Birthday Wish

I haven't written to you for some time now, simply because it has hurt too much to do so. But on this day, a day I wanted so much to celebrate with you, I have to tell you that I miss you. So, so much. I walked in the shade of your brilliance for so long, grew so accustomed to your light and energy leading and protecting me, that this vacuum you left behind is sometimes too much to bear. Sometimes I have no idea where I am going without you beside me. So many times now I have simply wanted to talk to you, to hold you, to laugh with you. I can never do these things again. Your headstone is the final, physical reminder that your life with me has ended and I will have to carry on without you. It's still surreal and unfathomable to me, to know I have a full life ahead of me and I won't be enjoying it with you.

I drove into the mountains this weekend to be with my friends and attempt to enjoy a last weekend of summer before the fall comes to remind me of this past year of pain and sorrow. I thought of you the entire time as I wound around those roads we traveled together just nine months ago. I felt so much promise then, so much hope, that we could beat this thing and you would be a success story. I thought it would happen, I truly did, but in the end this was God's plan for you and I struggle every day to accept it. I saw you in every ray of sunshine this weekend and spoke to you in the dark as I stared into the embers of the campfire. I didn't find any answers but I found memories I had forgotten and will continue to savor and reflect on the great times we spent together.

If you made your peace with God before the end and accepted your fate, I will continue to do the same, even though it will never ease my hurt to not have you here with our children. Already they are changing and growing in your absence. Camryn told me that it's time for you to come down from Heaven already. She understands you have left us and soon will understand just how permanent it is. Coral is confused and angry and we are all trying out best to lead her through this to some understanding of why her mother is gone. I think they will be ok, but it's not going to be easy, not ever. I just continue to teach them how much you loved them and how important it is to lead lives you would be proud of.

I'm finding solace in simple things now. Butterflies have become your avatar and we see them constantly, in the most unlikely places. They flutter up to Josh in the welding shop. They flash across our paths in the cemetery, in the car, at work, everywhere. Jen has given us three butterflies to raise and release in your memory and I can't wait to see them spread their wings and fly away on the currents of your spirit. They are children of summer and so perfectly reflect the path of your life: born, beautiful, carefree, living quickly and furiously, and then gone from the world all too quickly. I will always see you in the beautiful colors of their wings.

As I finish writing these words it is no longer your birthday, but this was the only gift I could give you. We may have started a new tradition tonight, a small gathering in your honor, choosing to relish your memory for one day rather than mourning it. I drank to you, and polished off a few of your favorite amaretto sours, even if they were a bit too sweet for my taste. You always loved that drink. Even if I couldn't spend today with you I would spend today for you, and I think we all did it in our own fashion. Cori sent balloons to you and Cam wants them back. Happy birthday my love.

Permanence

After many weeks of artist's block, hand wringing, coordinating with the memorial folks and then just plain ol' waiting, Krissy's headstone is finally complete and residing over our plots. I must say, that even after drawing it out and seeing the comp images of the design, I wasn't quite prepared to see it cut forever into stone. It's fitting, and in its own way reminds me of Krissy. Like my beautiful wife, it stands out amongst the gray and black of the cemetary, you really can't miss it when you pull into our section. I always said you could never miss Krissy in a crowd, even at 5'. I'm very happy with the work that Spence Memorial did for us, they were extremely helpful every step of the way and put up with my constant badgering over email and inexperience with a design like this.

For those interested in the details, the stone is a blue pearl granite, imported from Asia, and really has to be seen in the sunlight to catch all the beautiful facets and colors it contains. I hand picked and hand drew everything for this, and I really couldn't see myself doing anything else for my wife. I truly wanted to give her an everlasting memorial, and adorned it with images from both our lives. The center design is a celtic knot I drew for her that ended up as a tattoo on her wrist. As with the phoenix, she assigned great meaning to this tattoo also, turning it upside down from my original drawing and discovering it was really a heart, with three points for the loves in her life, the girls and myself. I knew as soon as I decided to design the headstone that I would be using this as the centerpiece. The continuation of the border ends up in scroll work that I wanted to represent waves, of the ocean between us right now, but eventually they will meet and retreat together to somewhere new and wonderful. I'm not sure I pulled it off but as an overall design for the stone I'm pretty satisfied with how it looks. My only intention was to honor my wife and to create something unique as an everlasting memorial to her, to show my love and my heartbreak. I hope she likes it.

It's also strange just how permanent and final the stone makes everything feel. I told a friend the other day that now it feels like the final piece of putting her to rest is in place, and it's a strange feeling. I do feel better about visiting her at the cemetery now that it's there though. Something to focus on, something solid. I hope others can visit her now and feel a bit more at peace.