As with all the dreams I've had of her since she left us, she is still sick. I know she has cancer but thankfully she looks amazing, not yet suffering and wasting away. We are in a hospital and there is some discussion of what course her treatment should take and what decisions she will make. It's very reminiscent of our visit to the University Hospital in Denver, it's probably the backdrop my brain gave to this scene. We are in a waiting room talking and she's suddenly in a hospital gown, and I've missed something, but I'm crying and attempting to convince her that no matter what the doctors say or do we will find a way to make her better. We had a discussion like this in life as well, I wanted nothing more than to instill some fight and hope in her and convince her no matter what we'll find a way to cure her. In real life we agreed to continue on, to keep up the fight, no matter how much her spirit had been broken. This time, in the dream, it was different. She held my hand, caressed my face, and told me it was ok. That it doesn't matter what we do, this was going to happen, was supposed to happen, and that it was ok. I refused to listen and cried at her, we have to try something, anything, to let me help. Again, so gently, she told me no, to let it go, and that she was ok now, that this was how it was supposed to be. She smiled so beautifully and I knew she was right.
It was at this point that I woke up, in the middle of the night, sobbing as hard as I had done in the dream. I was still mostly asleep but I remembered her voice, her touch and her presence and I missed it so badly. She hasn't visited me often in my dreams, but this was the most vivid, and I know she wanted me to understand how she felt when she died. That she was ok with it and that she had excepted this. I haven't, and can't, but I needed to hear from her that she was ok.
This has probably been the hardest thing for me to accept, that giving up her life was the answer to our prayers. Not a cure, but the end of suffering. When she was sick, I believed everyday that she would get better, and every setback was an obstacle to overcome. I never doubted her or doubted that we could do this together. So that is what hurts the most right now, and I have some guilt about it, that I believed so much and still she died. I hate thinking there was probably something else I could have tried, something I should have said, some treatment I should have made her try. But she finally told me that it doesn't matter now, she's ok and for now I have some small peace in that. I still miss her terribly, and wish she'd come to my dreams more often, but I am comforted she is with God.
