Not Just Another Day

It's coming up on three years since you passed away. The 14th of May is always going to be a difficult day, but its impact has been changing every year. As the anniversary of the day you died I'm never quite sure how I'm going to feel when I wake up. Sadness, anger, confusion, regret, relief and gratitude have all been on the menu. Strangely, its not the 14th I dread every year. It's today. It's this day when we're supposed to be celebrating and thanking the mothers in our lives and I'm acutely reminded that while I have a mother I love and can hand her a card or call her up on the phone, my children will never have that opportunity again. For the rest of their lives. Forever and ever.

The day you died was a bit surreal in some aspects. We knew it was coming. We'd already had the talk. You'd already said goodbye to the kids, to your friends and family. We woke up together in ICU and there wasn't anything left to say or do. You'd already educated me on our monthly budget and when you paid the bills, gave me the passwords to your email and Facebook, signed the adoption papers for Cori and then drifted back into a Fentanyl induced slumber. All that remained was for me to make the most difficult decision in my life and watch your breathing as long as I could until the life support was switched off and you drifted away from us. It's still a day that conjures so many emotions but most of all a sense of relief, that for you the suffering was over, with the knowledge you were truly at peace with letting go.

But that was the 14th. Days before, on Mother's Day, was the day you were truly lost to us, the day the pain would not stop and you finally had to succumb to the cancer eating away at you. That was the day when the only thing you wanted was your own mother, to make it stop, to hold your hand. You had that comfort on Mother's day when the ambulance took you away and you never returned. That is the day that hurts the most when I think about how you looked, how you writhed in pain and when I realized you were probably going to die.

So today. Mother's Day. All it reminds me of now are the two little people that have been hurt the most by your absence. The two beautiful, smart, loving, smiling faces that will never see their mother again. It's true, all of us are moving past your death in different ways, including your children. I lost my wife and the mother of my children, you were lost as a daughter and a sister and a best friend. Some of those holes can be filled; some are permanent scars. But I can't imagine a bigger void, a more important role lost than yours as a mother to our girls. That can never be completely replaced, not by a grandmother, an aunt, a best friend, or by me. And all this day does is fill me with anger for all the things my children can never have back.

You weren't there for Cori's confirmation. You weren't there for Muffins with Mommy day for Camryn. You won't be there when they graduate high school. You won't be there to talk Cori through her first love, her first heartbreak, or watch her walk down the aisle. You won't be there in the fall when Bean starts Kindergarten and struts up in her brand new school uniform. You won't be there to teach her to tie her shoes or watch her ride a bike without training wheels or laugh at things that come out of her mouth. You aren't here to argue with Cori about her wardrobe and her makeup, or ground Camryn for not picking up her room. And yes, everyone will say you are there in spirit  you're watching all the time, but honestly that's not good enough. They need you here for every moment of every day. They needed you to tuck them in, to yell at them for not picking up their messes, to cook dinner, to pick them up from school, to watch funny TV shows together on the couch and play Guitar Hero. The rest of us can get by in our daily lives, perhaps choking up at a certain song on the radio, smiling at an old picture, or laughing at a cherished memory. You won't be here to create any more memories, or to ever make us laugh again, but we'll get by ok. It might be with guilt, anger or sadness, but life does go on. And it goes on for the girls too, but in a much different way than any of us could imagine. And as hard as all of us try to fill it the void is still there and always will be, no matter what.

Cori is becoming a beautiful strong woman, based on the foundation you gave her. Camryn will do the same, even though she truly has very little recollection of you other than what we see in pictures or talk about. They'll be ok, they will grow up just fine with my love and the love of those around her. They'll have positive and constructive role models in their lives, but never the one thing all the other kids have and take for granted. Today, more than any other day, will be the most painful reminder of what is missing from their lives. The 14th will come and go, your headstone will remain an unchanged monument to your memory, but the day you died isn't the day when we should all stand still and remember what you meant to us. Our babies remember it every single day.

What Flavor is it?

And now for something completely different!

Well sort of anyway. I'll try not to spout any soul crushing memoirs here today, just some happy news and anecdotes. Yay, something fun to write about!

Bittersweet. It's probably one of my most hated words in the English language. Mainly due to its overuse and frequency of occurance in my life over the past few years, I've really grown to detest the word. However, sometimes it's a pretty apt adjective for the situation and I'm forced to use it myself. And, as I dropped off Cori for 8th grade and Camryn for her first day of Pre-K, I can say it was definitely a bittersweet moment, in many ways.

Obviously, there were many missing parts this year and I really wished Krissy, Dad and Grandma could have seen my girls on this day. Losing them all over the past 2 years has been difficult in so many ways, but I strive to give my babies the life the deserve and need and really tried hard to make this a fun and exciting day. It's a blessing they don't notice the gaping holes as clearly as I do. It really is the one thing that has helped me to wake up everyday knowing that they are truly happy little people. They're not blind, but perhaps we've blunted the hurt by now and I think our every day lives are proof of that.

I'm pretty sure I made a much bigger deal out of this day than was necessary. I spent the few weeks prior to school buying school supplies, backpacks, new shoes, cute outfits (friendly solid colors and prints for the colorblind!) and talking up just how COOL it was going to be when Bean got to school. Turns out I didn't need to hype it up at all. As I pulled into the school parking lot and braced myself for any reaction I might face, Cam belts out "Ok, bye Daddy, have a good day!" before I could even put the car in park. Well, I guess someone was ready for school, and it wasn't me.

It turned out to be a truly enjoyable experience dropping both of my girls off and watching them glide effortlessly into the daily routine of school, friends and teachers. since her first day, Cam has already had to be separated from a little boy for talking to much (shocking) and has worked her way into the heart of pretty much every staff member she's run into. Yeah, I can't wait to see how she does in high school.

Also inspring and definitely not bittersweet (sorry) is Coral returning to play volleyball for her final year at Corpus Christi. I was so happy to hear she was ready to give sports another try and have been very proud of her work ethic in practice and also in her studies. She's been juggling both extremely well so far this year to the point where I'm starting to feel like a third wheel. All she's needed me for is printing papers and handing out lunch money. Not a bad gig if you can get it I guess. I'm just really proud to see her growing into an organized, determined young woman. sort of exactly like another woman I once knew...

As for me, standing in the midst of this whirlwind of school and sports and driving here and there like a good Mr. Mom... has been a blast actually. It's fun! Tiring, exhausting, challenging fun, but I'm thoroughly enjoying this place in our lives. Finally enjoying the opportunity to sit back and realize how much my girls have grown in two years and mentally pat myself on the back for getting them this far. Seems silly, I never expected the wheels to fall of the bus in the first place, but I'm pretty satisfied with where we are all right now. If I had to describe my feelings right now, they'd be anything but bittersweet.

Random Access

Pools of gold. Pools of gold, molten, flowing, coalescing before my eyes. I try to wipe them away, but they are relentless, so I let them burn. I let them flow down my cheeks, fall onto my shirt, my lap. I'm driving, and I'm holding her hand, and all I can see is a liquid swirl of gold that is raining from my eyes. Drowning my thoughts, drowning my words, drowning hope. And there is a song playing, an album, and now a theme forever fused to this memory of pain and disappointment. An association that can never be erased. To this day, every time I hear it, all I see are pools of gold.

It's amazing how strongly smells, sights and sounds can become tangled up with your memories. They can take you back to your childhood, your first love, your grandparents house, your first heartbreak. They have the power to overtake the reality before you and replace it with one you've stored for years, perhaps decades. The most uncanny aspect of the association is how you have no control over it whatsoever. To this day, every time I smell the first lilacs of spring I'm transported back to my Dukes of Hazzard big-wheel. I'm five and I'm riding down the sidewalk away from my home and I almost run over a baby bird that has fallen from it's nest. It's already dead and its mother has left it. The baby bird is lying on the sidewalk, under a lilac tree, and the smell is intoxicating, overpowering. My five year old brain has just plugged these sensory events together and welded them tight. Every spring, the lilacs bloom and I'm back on that big-wheel and wondering how the baby bird fell from its nest.

There are so many triggers for so many events. Coffee and fresh cut grass will always take me back to Grandma's house. Lilo and Stitch will always conjure an image of a 4 year-old Cori lying on her bed watching intently. The sounds of AC/DC will put me back into the '88 Camaro, the windows down and the summer air streaming in (and the overly loud rock music streaming out). Swisher Sweets cigars will always put me in the passenger seat of my Papa's truck, visions of St. Christopher and St. Francis on the dashboard, keeping me safe. So many triggers, so many memories.

Those that knew Krissy probably have some kind of memory attached to the same trigger as I do. If you ever called her cell phone, you definitely have one. "Need You Now", by Lady Antebellum. Just typing the words opens the flood gates. The first time I called her and heard she had set it as her ring tone, it became a theme and a mantra for me. I knew, somewhere deep, that this song was forever going to be burned into my memories of the wife I loved. Every time I called her and got that 15 second snip of the chorus it worked it's way further and further into my mind, on every level. I'd sing along sometimes, sometimes it would make me unbelievably sad, other times I'd swear that I'd never one day hear it and have to long for someone that was no longer alive. That became the mantra. "I'll call her and this song will never stop playing." It became the only way I could endure that chorus for the few short months she was sick, to keep telling myself I'd never have a reason to hate or dread those lyrics.

The day that forever sealed the association with my memories came in late March of 2010. She had finished her 3rd and final round of treatments at Oasis hospital in Mexico and the state of her health at the time was not encouraging. She was beginning to collect fluid in her abdomen as ascities set in. She was uncomfortable, losing weight and strength, and encouragement was hard to find. We had decided in January to keep all our options available and had scheduled an appointment with a very well respected gastric oncologist at the University Hospital in Denver. To this day, I'm honestly not sure what we expected to come of this visit, as all our encounters with modern medicine had gone badly. But, we were open to anything that could help and Krissy wanted to know if she was making any progress. She had a CT scan a few weeks earlier and concrete results were what we wanted to see. The appointment was brief and brutal. She was told her alternative therapies were not working, and in fact the cancer was still growing. They had nothing to offer her but experimental chemo therapies that might prolong her life by 6-9 months, at the cost of all of her quality of life in the form of violent sickness, vomiting and all the other lovely side effects that tissue destroying chemicals would normally have. We thanked them for their time, no thanks on the chemo, and saw ourselves out.

Despite knowing what she was up against, the results of the meeting were devastating for Krissy. Any confidence she had about the decisions she'd made for treatment or her possibility of recovery were crushed. I tried to put an optimistic spin on it, that we should have known they'd be skeptical of her treatment plan, they were doctors of WESTERN medicine for Christ's sake, we already knew they thought we were crazy. So screw them. But it wasn't working, and I think she made a decision for herself that day. Her time was running out, this wasn't working, and it was time to make changes. Not long after we pulled Camryn out of daycare and she stayed home with Krissy until the beginning of May.

The ride home was... difficult. There wasn't much left to talk about, so we didn't. I-25 was a mess, so we decided to take Highway 83. It was a slower drive anyway, gave us time to process. It was late in the day that March, and we drove in silence for a while. I held her hand, because I couldn't think of anything else to do for her. And I drove. When the silence began to feel like silence again, she turned on the radio. The new Lady Antebellum CD was in, so she played it. I'd already been crying, and this didn't help, but it was better than the silence. The sun was beginning to descend on the mountains, against an unusually clear sky, and it was blinding. The tears refused to stop for the onslaught of the sun, so I let them come. The pools of gold would fill, bulge, overflow and fall. They swirled in my vision, mixing with the black of the road, the green of the pines alongside us, the white of her hand in my periphery. The CD just keeps playing, laying down track after track of beautiful and uplifting rhythms, music and lyrics, and none of them can penetrate the moment. They just get fused to my subconscious, to be recalled every single time I call her phone, hear a song on the radio, in a bar, on the TV. Forever locked to what is left of of my vision as the tears obscure everything that is real and transform it to a vortex of color and emotion. Eventually the music stops, and the tears stop, and the car stops, and we move forward towards another day.

With so many good, great, wonderful, sad, painful and truly terrifying memories of her fight with cancer, I often wondered if I'd be able to ever control the memories. I can't so I gave up trying. I embrace them, for the most part. For a while that song really got to me. I could listen to it, and sometimes forced myself to, because I wanted to feel something. After a while I changed the channel, unless my kids wanted to listen to it. Every time, the pools of gold returned, sometimes just in my minds eye, sometimes in my actual tears. It doesn't bother me as much anymore, and when I hear it now I remember it for a song she loved before all the heartache and as a song that a lot of people associated with her ring tone, so there was some good in it. It also has a message that really speaks to me, that need for someone that can overcome you at the worst times. And every so often I just close my eyes, so I can see that swirl of color and emotion, just to remind myself that she was real.

Fearful Symmetry

I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe in fate. But I also believe that events can occur randomly or by pure chance. I've never been the kind of person that placed faith in when or how certain events happened in my life, but recently the calendar has been difficult to ignore. Allow me to demonstrate:

My father was born on September 14th. My wife Krissy was born on September 20th.

Krissy passed away on May 14th. She was buried on May 20th.

My father died on his birthday, September 14th. He was buried on September 20th, also my wife's birthday.

That's a lot of 14's and 20's. That's a lot of tragic events coinciding with days that should have been joyful occasions. It's hard to ignore when you look at the calendar, and it makes me wonder if there is any meaning to it at all, or just a cruel set of circumstances that just happened to occur on days of personal importance. Either way, it's hard to accept. 

I don't like to live my life marking the days that these kinds of things have occurred in my life. I've always chosen to live every single day as if it's a new day, with a new meaning. I don't dread these anniversaries, at least not yet, but the events are still so fresh in my mind I'm not completely sure how these associations will work come next year, or the year after, etc. Life is strange, wonderful, beautiful and confusing, and most of all unpredictable. Maybe I'll find comfort in the fact that two people I loved so much share so much in common after their passing. Time will only tell.

Remembering Dad

I'm posting Dad's eulogy from his service, for anyone that wants to read, or just remember Dad through our words. This copy doesn't include the additions from my cousin Amber, who read it beautifully, but I think it's good enough. Thank you to everyone that came for his service and reception, I know Dad would have been so happy to see you all.

Frank was loved by many, and always known for his gentle demeanor, worth ethic and his love of the outdoors. And while he was a man of few words, there is much to be said about him by his friends and family. Those that loved him most have written dedications to Frank, and would like to share them now.

From his sister Pat
Frank was one of the best brothers you could have. He was very kind and gentle, despite being raised by four sisters. He was our baby brother which makes it so difficult to know he is no longer going to be with us. I know he will still be watching over us as he is visiting with the loved ones who went before him. He would be so proud to know how many people are here today, even though there is sadness in our hearts. We will never forget you!

From his wife Patrcia
Frank Lanza, my husband, lover and best friend was a simple man that spoke no ill word of anyone, gave to all and never asked for anything in return.  Frank came into my life 13 years ago unconditionally, and with it came something that everyone should encounter in their life and that was an endless love, a love that went beyond anything possible to really find words for. Frank never left the house without saying he loved me and to have a good day. Frank taught me through the years we had together how to love and to love back which I have come to know as his is best virtue. Frank entered each day with tireless energy for his job, family, and friends. And even after the day was done he seemed to find time for me, or the yard or house. Anyone that knew Frank knew that is gardening and his yard was his favorite hobby. He used to say there is nothing better than fishing, camping, hunting or riding ATVs in the rivers and mountains of Colorado that he loved so much. Frank found great joy in our family and especially in our four grandchildren Coral, Camryn, Hannah, and David.

God has taken this great man from us but he leaves behind many great memories for each of us. Frank I know that you will always be there for me spiritually as I continue through life. The love you gave me will live in my heart forever and I will truly miss and love you. As I never use the words good bye, I will see you later as you now join mom, dad and Krissy. See you later my husband and best friend. I’ll love you dearly each and every day until we meet again.

From his son Joey
Dad was an extremely generous man. He always gave to us no matter what.  We never lacked or went without, and always had an abundance. Even though he was so soft spoken, you could always count on him to be there when you needed him. Dad was very thoughtful and was always meeting other people's needs.  He would go the extra mile to make things special, especially for us kids. He never missed a single baseball, basketball, or football game of mine, he was always involved in the things that were important to us. I always loved hearing him laugh, when he laughed he really went for it. He was a loving, kind, wonderful Dad who will be missed very much.

From his son Frankie
If you asked anyone that knew Dad to describe him, you’d undoubtedly hear something like “he was the most quiet, soft-spoken man I’ve ever met.” And that truly was Dad. Never first to speak, never big on long talks or sharing his feelings. But for me, it was always what Dad didn’t say, but what he did in life, that spoke the most. He’d never tell you what he had planned for the day, but you’d probably end up being treated to lunch or taken to Cripple Creek on the spur of the moment. And if you ever managed to make him really mad, like I did when I wrecked his work truck backing it down the drive way, then you got the dreaded eye-brow raise but never a harsh word. Trust me, the eyebrows were much worse than anything he could have ever said.

As much as Dad’s good nature and mild manner defined him, to me Dad will always be the example of what a hard working, loyal, honest and loving man should be. He was always there, no matter what you needed, and never expected to be re-payed or have the favor returned. Dad was simply a good man.

My best memories of Dad will always be of days spent at the shop, riding in the work trucks, or keeping pace with him on the jobsite back in my gutter hanging days. Everything I learned about being a man and about doing honest work I learned on those hot summer days. I also learned what it meant to be respected, because you never met a person that worked with Dad that didn’t have the utmost respect for him. And at the end of a long hard day, if you were lucky enough to be riding back with him, you probably got treated to a beer and a few good laughs. That’s what I’ll miss the most, the simple times spent with the man that didn’t need to say everything that was on his mind, but expressed every word in how he loved you.

Despite the suddenness of Dad’s passing, my sister Cesa gave me the best visual the other day. She imagined Krissy, enjoying her day up in heaven, and being pleasantly surprised when Dad showed up out of the blue. I can picture their reunion, and take comfort that two amazing angels are together and watching over us here on Earth. At least we know that he won’t talk her ear off.

I love you dad, and we’re all going to miss you.

The Reason Why?

She had been broken. Hopes dashed, fears confirmed. When Krissy learned she had cancer and it's prescribed outcome, she ceased to be the person I had known for the past 10 years. The fighter, the spitfire, the sheer force of will had been diminished and replaced by uncertainty, pain and doubt. And who could expect otherwise? How would anyone respond when faced with their own imminent mortality? We all like to think we'll buckle down, grit our teeth and prepare for battle, but in reality that is very difficult even when faced with the fight for your very life. But this isn't to say Krissy laid down and failed respond to the challenge. Far from it. And this is where her final story begins, where she learned the meaning of her life and why she determined to rise up and face the challenge before her. These aren't my experiences, and I can only recount them second hand, but I hope to set it down as best as I can recall. Not just for Krissy, not just for you to read this mostly untold chapter of her life, but also so that I can try to gain some understanding for myself. So I can find some reason, justification, and meaning in the loss of my wife.

No journey can begin in darkness. No direction can be found without guidance. And in the beginning, after she was told her life would end, she was completely and utterly lost. Not only would she have to heal from a major surgery that would take up to three months to heal, she would also have to battle terminal cancer with a prognosis of only six months to live. How could anyone reconcile that when just weeks before she believed she was a healthy mother, wife and daughter. Of course she was lost. And she remained lost for many weeks, unsure of what path to take towards healing, or if there was any paths open to her at all. But I knew my wife, and I knew the fighter that lived within her, and I prayed that she could rekindle that spirit. But weeks came and went, and while her body healed its wounds and relearned how to nourish itself, she remained broken of mind and spirit. The holiday season was approaching and I feared that she wouldn't find the resolve to fight this battle. It finally changed one evening, during a visit with her mother, that after another day of struggles with nausea, vomiting, pain and depression, that Debi took her to church so she could pray for strength. I never learned exactly what happened that evening at church, but she returned a different person. She still had fears to overcome and battles to begin, but from that moment on she turned a corner and a big part of the Krissy we knew finally returned to us.

Krissy knew from the beginning that traditional cancer treatment was not her salvation. Chemo, at it's best, was only promised to gain her a few additional months of life with a much reduced quality of living. Prolonging the inevitable was the best they could offer, at a cost of hair loss, vomiting and excruciating pain. So she sought every alternative method of healing that could be found. But both mind and body had to be healed, so in addition to the natural treatments and supplements she would try she also needed care for her spirit. This was found in the amazing Paula Robbins, introduced to us via Aunt Connie. Paula was integral to Krissy's early battle to regaining her will and determination. I'm going to be intentionally vague and ignorant of the actual process that Paula employed with Krissy, as it was highly personal and emotionally difficult for Krissy to endure, so I did all I could do to support her and let her take this portion of the journey by herself. But after each session she was stronger and I could tell that her soul was mending, bit by bit. Paula taught Krissy how to look within herself and to find the damage that was being done and to understand how to use it to heal instead of hurt. Even after their sessions together ended, Krissy would employ what she learned to continue to understand the turn her life had taken.

However, understanding comes at a price. And sometimes even things we learn about ourselves cost more than we care to imagine. My personal belief is that this is what Krissy learned one day as she reflected upon her cancer and why she was suffering so greatly. She had learned to enter a very deep state of reflection as she meditated on these questions. One afternoon, besought by depression and confusion, she sat alone and asked "Why is this happening to me?"again and again, as she sunk further into her meditations. And as she asked and prayed, this is what she told me she saw.

Our youngest daughter, Camryn, did not have the easiest beginning to her life. Before she was born we discovered she had a hole in her heart. At three months old she contracted a nearly fatal kidney infection, which recurred just two months later. After constant eye infections due to a blocked tear duct she finally had surgery to clear it up, and by this time we'd had our fill of seeing her poked and prodded by doctors. As a parent, it's one of the most helpless feelings in the world. You would do anything to make them better. And on that afternoon as Krissy meditated on her own illness, it was Camryn that came to her in that vision. Only two years old at the time, and at daycare, appeared to her.

Krissy described the experience she had that afternoon to me only once, but I will never forget it. Camryn, who should have been napping at the time, appeared before Krissy in her vision and cried out "Hi Mommy!" Krissy spoke back to her, and they had the regular two-year old version of "how was your day" until Krissy began to ask her what she was going. Cam would only reply, "I love you Mommy, I'm ok Mommy." Several more times Cam assured her that she was ok, and that she loved her, before she turned and waved and said "Bye Mommy, I have to go now, I love you!" And at this point Krissy came out of her meditation in tears, but finally assured that she had received the answer to the question she'd been asking for months: why is this happening to me? And for Kris, the answer was clear, she'd asked God to allow her to take away her baby's pain and suffering and ills and to let her take them on herself, and whether or not she could bear the burden and survive, this was what had been done. She had given what any parent believed they would, she had given her life for the health of her child's. And Camryn knew it, and told her everything was ok now, thanks to her mother's love.

I don't know God's plan. I don't claim to understand Him, or how he works in our lives, or if he would even do such a thing. But, Kris believed this was her bargain to ensure that her baby could live happy and healthy and on some level she accepted that. She still agonized over her cancer and the pain and remained resolved to do everything she could to beat the disease, but I think she found some peace in what she saw that day. I still don't know how I truly feel about it, but it's haunted me ever since, and in my own struggle to understand the how's and why's of Krissy's death it's the only thing I can anchor my sanity onto. If my wife had to die, if I had to lose her so quickly and early in our lives, does the fact she died to protect our child make it alright? I don't know, but I can accept it based on the fact that I would have done the same thing and had even asked for as much in my own prayers, just as I had asked God to let me take on Krissy's sickness. I think anyone who knows real love would do the same.

I know there are those that may not believe that God would work in such a way, or that this has anything to do with why Krissy had cancer and died from it. I question it every single day. All I can say is that I have two beautiful girls left as a legacy of the wonderful person that Krissy was. Camryn has barely had so much as a cold since that day, and even when everyone in the house is knocked out with a cold or the flu, Cam is rarely affected. She's rolled down a flight of stairs without a scratch. Every day I wonder if her mother's protection is real, that she must truly be her guardian angel. It's a comforting thought in a time when I can still find little comfort in her loss. Every parent would give their own life for their child's, but if ever presented with this challenge I doubt many could face it with as much courage as Krissy did.

Twenty Questions, Zero Answers

Can you believe how fast our girls have grown?

What is heaven like?

How the hell do I braid hair?

Are you proud of us?

Why didn't we think to record your voice?

How do I remember how to live for myself?

Did you know that we'd be ok?

When did you know you were going to die?

What am I not remembering?

How did you make it all look so easy?

Is it ok if I try to forget some of the bad parts now?

Could things have been different?

Did we choose the right path?

Can Cam really see you?

Where did you hide those papers I've been looking for?

Why didn't you try harder?

Was that you playing with the sprinklers at the cemetery?

Do you think I'll ever find it again?

Was there anything you didn't get to say?

Why did God need to take you away?

From the Mouths of Babes

Last night we were treated to dinner at a friend's house, and on the car ride home Cam asked me "Why wasn't Mommy there tonight?" I wanted to answer, but I'm also trying to figure how how my little girl is understanding things, so I asked her, "Where do you think she is tonight?". Here's how the conversation went from there:

"She's in Heaven daddy"

"You're right honey, she's in Heaven."

"Why did Mommy die?"

And that last question really got me. She's never asked this before, and I didn't know she was already thinking about Krissy's absence in relation to death. I really didn't know how to answer, but I thought if she's processing like this already, then I should be honest. I explained what cancer was, and Mommy was very sick with it, and she just couldn't stay alive anymore so God took her to Heaven so she could rest. She then wanted to know why God took Mommy. I hope this made sense to her and that she'll understand it later, but he took Mommy because she was a good person and so she could rest in Heaven while she watched over us.

Cam was quiet for a minute and I knew she was filing it all way into that brilliant little brain of hers. Finally she asked, "Is that why you cry for Mommy?" Boy, nothing gets by this kid. Yes, I told her, that is why I cry, because I miss her and wish she was here with us instead of being in Heaven, but I'm glad she is not sick anymore. Again, a break to process, and then she wrapped it up with "I love you Daddy" which of course made me cry.

Every single day these girls amaze me with their personalities, their intelligence, their strength, and their perfect little hearts. Although I didn't want to do it alone, I'm incredibly thankful that I can raise them to be such wonderfully good people. And every so often, one of them will completely blow my mind on a simple car ride home.

Post Disney Wrap Up

Well I'm a few days behind on posts, and now we are finally back home in beautiful Colorado Springs. We had an amazing time at Disney World but it also feels really nice to be sitting in my own bed. Since I wasn't able to post Friday or Saturday, here's a quick recap.

A few oddities and interesting things I saw during the trip:

• I watched a very beautiful blonde woman sniff her armpits in the middle of the Animal Kingdom food court. Guess she was getting into character.
• There was a talent search going on at our hotel all week. I've never seen so many 13 year olds in stiletto heels in my life. It was pretty disturbing.
• Cam's cuteness almost made Cinderella cry. True story.
• Bras are apparently optional in the Magic Kingdom. They should make them a park requirement.
• You can eat seafood at Sea World. Is this what happens to the old attractions?

On Friday we decided to trek back to the Magic Kingdom and knock out the few rides we didn't have time for earlier in the week. I got a leisurely start to the day and finished off the Peter Pan, Winnie the Pooh and Philharmagic 3D show. Cam made best friends with a sweet family on the Peter Pan ride, and was able to distract a 17 year old boy from his girlfriend for a good thirty minutes. When we parted ways he asked for a high five and knuckles, which she happily provided, and then astounded him when she "blew up" the knuckles at the end. This kid was seriously impressed with her knucks skills and relayed this to his girlfriend, who by this time was less than impressed.

We didn't plan on spending all day at the Magic Kingdom so after we finished off the rides we really wanted to see we headed back to the hotel to rest up and then went to Downtown Disney for dinner and a little shopping. Downtown Disney is pretty much what it sounds like, a long strip of restaurants, gift shops and entertainment like movies and arcades. We'd seen these gift shops a dozen times and only stopped for any length of time at the Lego store, Worlds of Disney (which was freaking huge and had a princess boutique for the little girls to get done up as their favorite princess) and the Art of Disney where Cori picked out a nice print of Jasmin for her room. We then dined at Raglan Road, a fantastic Irish pub style restaurant. I was long overdue for a beer by this point of the vacation and enjoyed an excellent Irish ale called Smithwicks. We then proceeded to eat ourselves stupid with the incredible fare being served. I had the most amazing shepherd's pie I've ever eaten followed by some scrumptious bread and butter pudding. By this point I was in a walking food coma and it was past 11pm so we found our bus back to the hotel and crashed.

Saturday's plan was to use up our dining plan meals at the nicer restaurants at Epcot and see the rest of the countries we'd missed our first time through. Cori also got her chance to get pictures with her favorite princess, Jasmin. I was glad we were able to do this for her since the majority of the trip we'd tried to do events for the whole family or for Camryn. Cori was awesome on this trip and I was happy to indulge her this day. We walked half the concourse and had lunch in Italy at Tutto Italia. Again, super fantastic food, and again, walking food coma so it was time for a break and naps before we came back and did it again for dinner. On our return trip Cori picked the Marrakesh in Morocco for dinner. We went 3 for 3 for food comas. I had a plate of couscous with lamb shank that was just absolutely delicious. As good as it was, the food wasn't the highlight of the evening. This came in the form of a bellydancer that entertained everyone during our meal. No, although the dancer was hot, the true spotlight was stolen by your's truly, Camryn Bean. The dancer invited all the kids onto the to the little stage and she had them follow her moves. At first, Cam hesitated and wouldn't go up on stage, but finally she decided to give it a go. Instead of the joining the other kids she walks right up next to the dancer and starts doing twirls and spins like she's the star of the show. We had a great laugh at this kid and was once again amazed at how crazy Cam is. We finished dinner, managed to catch the fireworks show at the end of the evening and bid Disney's parks farewell.

Today we finally made the journey home. It was a long day of travel and now we're all tucked into bed and trying to get used to the idea of going back to our old routines again. I think Cori is actually kind of excited to go back to school, she's dying to tell all her friends about the trip. I'm not exactly dying to go back to work but some normalcy will be nice.

In thinking about the past nine days I'm left with a few strong impressions of Disney. After seeing firsthand just how well they do this theme park thing, and how they handle their brand as a whole over all, you can't help but be impressed. Disney knows exactly what your kids want, how you want to get it, and how to make it as easy and immersive as possible to provide it to you. For a price of course! But compared to our experiences with Universal and Seaworld, no one does it like Disney. After you see Disney World in action you can't help but be very impressed by the the whole production or maybe a little scared at just how good they are at making spending your money as painless as possible. I'd definitely come back here, and in fact have already planned the next trip in my head for a few years down the road. Maybe next time we can come with more familiy. Cam will be taller and we can enjoy more attractions together. I'll know to avoid certain parks or rides and focus on what is fun or new.

My only wish, and personal disappointment, was that Krissy wasn't here to enjoy all this with us. I know for a fact she was indeed watching from above, but this was really her trip, and I so wanted her to be able to make it. She had planned and booked all of this over two years ago and we had still intended to go even after we learned she had cancer last year. But, the trip was scheduled for last June and unfortunately she never got the chance. I initially cancelled the trip last summer and after kicking it around, decided to take the trip just as she had planned it and we'd go for Cori's birthday. I'm very glad we did. And although every single moment of these past nine days were pure fun and enjoyment, I did still have that bittersweet pang of sadness that she wasn't here with us, laughing and experiencing these moments at my side. I've been thanking her every day for her wisdom and guidance with this trip and there's no way I could have done this myself. I hope she got a kick out of Cam's antics, I know most of Orlando did.

Well I think it's time for me to turn in, I'm pooped and I don't even want to think about unpacking. Tomorrow it's back to the grind!

G'night!

Disney - Day Six

Wow, six days have already flown by here at Orlando, it's really been a whirlwind so far. Only three more days to go before we head home to colorful Colorado. It's been a ton of fun out here but I'll be ready for my own bed by the time this trip is over. Plus my piggies are tired! My daily life as a desk jockey did nothing to prep me for walking all over Florida.

Today we planned on exploring the watery wonderland of Sea World. We were successful for the most part, but our non-stop pace finally caught up with us today. More specifically, we found that Camryn is not the Incredible Bionic Bean she tries to be and every so often she needs a good recharge.

We did get a good early start on our day at Sea World and when we arrived we had just enough time to get our bearings before we had to grab a seat at Shamu Stadium. I've never been to Sea World and was really looking forward to finally seeing these whales in person. The girls were equally excited to see everything, I think Cori was really looking forward to today the most, she really loves whales and dolphins. We managed to get a great seat in the "Soak Zone", so pretty close to the tank, and settled in for the show. The stage, or tank, for the show is pretty cool, with huge moving video screens that set up the event with some Hollywood style imagery. You can just see the killer whales warming up behind the scenes and you get a great look at the trainers before everything kicks off. Right now, they must be in between preparing for shows, as we weren't getting a full performance but more of a practice run for what they have lined up at the beginning of summer. Just before the show started we were informed that a baby killer whale had been born today, for only the 27th time in Sea World history. That was kinda cool!

During the wait for the show to start Cam did what she does best and made a few new friends. We sat next to a nice British gentleman who kindly shared half his caramel corn with her until he remembered that he should probably let his own kids have some too. Then the whales finally came out to play and we were treated to a twenty minute display of just how amazing and smart these whales are. Jumping, splashing, twisting an even acting, they put on a very entertaining show before the big attraction, Shamu, was brought out for the finale. Shamu is noticeably larger than the other whales, and he (she?) proved it as the crowd chanted his name over and over. Finally it was time to see why it's called the Soak Zone. Shamu cupped that giant tail and laid waste to the first 25 rows all over the stadium. No joke, this whale was absolutely drenching people. Cameras and backpacks were frantically shoved under shirts and towels as the big orca continued to pound the crowd. We managed to miss the worst of the assault but still walked away a little wet and extremely amused.

As we walked out, I couldn't help but think that for all the amenities Sea World provides for these animals and I have no doubt they treated as humanely as possible, that these powerful creatures shouldn't be pent up in a tank and doing tricks for treats. I guess in a way they might be better off, protected from whatever dangers they might face in the wild, but they are so beautiful and mysterious, I just feel like we've taken something away from them with all the spectacle. Or maybe I'm being overly dramatic. Meh.

After Shamu we hit the Happy Harbor which consisted of a bunch of very kiddie rides. We indulged Bean on a few and then moved on to the rest of the park. Unfortunately by this time we were all more tired than we thought we'd be, and Cam actually asked if we could find our bus and head home. I didn't push it, so we had lunch (I'm still sore from the $35 burger/fries raping) then walked through the shark tunnel attraction, the manta ray aquarium and tried to see the dolphins but they were on break for another hour. We had one really neat highlight of the day when we stumbled on the Stingray Lagoon on our way out. It was kind of like a huge kiddie pool full of rays swimming around. You could buy fish to feed them and they swam in a huge loop begging for food and attention. I thought it was really fun and Cam got a kick out of petting the rays as they swept past us. They'd swim right up to the edge and slap the sides with their fins so you could high five them as they went around. Pretty cute, and really entertaining. I tried to get Cori to ride the huge rollercoaster before we left but she wasn't having it. I'll get her on a coaster before we come home, I swear it

After this we made our way back to the hotel and all took naps for a few hours. I managed to get a load of laundry done while Bean slept the afternoon away. By the time she woke up it was dinner time so we decided to take another shot at attending Fantasmic over at Hollywood Studios. I really wanted to see this and we had a nice big window available. So we hopped a bus, ate a quick dinner and made it to the amphitheater with about 70 minutes to spare. And we were just in time, the huge arena was already half full. We found a seat fairly close to the front and hunkered down for a long wait. During the wait, Cam made friends with some more Brits, two teenage girls behind us and ended up eating half of their cotton candy. At the rate this kid was pilfering food from strangers I wouldn't have to feed her for the rest of the trip. They even took their picture with her. You can probably feel my head shaking in Colorado by now. Finally the show started and we were glued to our seats the entire time. I'm very glad we decided to come back for Fantasmic, it was truly spectacular and dripping with Disney goodness. Live action Mickey, fireworks, huge fire breathing dragons, what's not to love!

After the show we hopped a very full bus back to the hotel. Bean made more friends with a cute family on the ride back. I think we have a pool date before we leave, I'm not quite sure. They had a daughter named Millie and she was having a great time talking to Cam and comparing their pretty hair-do's. We bid farewell at the bus stop and Bean chalked up another handful of fans. As I write we're all showered and relaxing before bedtime. Cam just informed me it's 90 30 o'clock and that I need to come to bed, so I'm calling it a wrap. Tomorrow is a free day, so maybe we hit the pool, or maybe Magic Kingdom again, or maybe Downtown Disney. Kids choice!

G'night!

Disney - Day Five

Man, my feet hurt. I haven't done this much walking since the Walk for Mankind when I was 12. But Disney World waits for no man, sore feet or not, so we woke up bright and early once again, strapped on our tennis shoes and marched off for combat against the epic Epcot theme park. I herded my little soldiers off to the bus stop and we began another awesome day here in beautiful Orlando.

One thing I haven't mentioned yet has been the weather. Or maybe the lack of it. Since we arrived last Friday it's been consistently sunny, clear, windless and about 88 degrees every single day. The only exception so far was yesterday afternoon when we had clouds for a few hours in the afternoon. So I have to say it's been incredibly nice for our days at Disney.

Today was Epcot day for the Lanza family and I decided it was best to keep my expectations in check. There aren't a lot of rides in the traditional sense at this park but it seemed like there was a ton of stuff to see, so I was excited and hopeful there would be enough to keep the kids entertained. My first impressions after leaving the bus and seeing that gigantic shining golf ball was "Cool!" We hopped on the Spaceship Earth ride right off the bat and had a great time with the interactive portions of the event, especially the part where the photoshopped mine and Cori's head onto futuristic outfits for everyone in the entire place to see. Very fun indeed! The ride also emailed us a copy of all this entertainment so we'll have some virtual memories to savor as well. That seemed to be the overall theme for Epcot: interactivity. Pretty much everything we did today we were also able to take a part in either during or after the ride, which we all found very fun. Cam had a blast after the Seas with Nemo and Friends and the Journey into Imagination rides. There was a really cute light activated music room and Bean was sprinting around making the floor light up and playing music.

One really entertaining event, at least for me, was the Captain EO 3D movie. It wasn't necessarily even good, but I got a kick out of it for sure. It was the original 3D sci-fi flavored movie with Michael Jackson from 1986. I have no idea if it's been playing continuously in Epcot since then but they gave this movie a lot of hype and build-up before you're ushred into the 3D theater to watch a 20 minute flick with Thriller style dancing, little to no plot and sub-Star Wars special effects. All the same, I thought it was awesome. Cori was less than impressed and I'm not sure Cam watched more than five minutes of it. Dang spoiled 21st century kids. When I was their age this thing would have been a blockbuster! 3D without red and blue glasses? That was like the future man!

My personal highlight of the day was not Captain EO, but Epcot Character Spot. Basically a big room with all the main Disney characters set up at photo stations for the kids, this proved to be a regular laugh riot with Camryn on hand. To start off, we'd been in line for about two minutes before she made best friends with the mother and 18 year old daughter standing behind us. We were all on first name basis by the time we even saw Mickey, we wished Abigail (the daughter) a happy birthday, and they even hung around to watch Cam get her pictures taken with the characters. Yes, it was that entertaining. We were able to spend quality time with Mickey, Minnie, Pluto, Donald and Goofy. All were sucked into the inescapable vortex of Cam's charisma and ended up holding up the line of crying and impatient children so they could talk to her. She squeezed their noses, complimented their eyelashes, high-fived, hugged and even danced with all of them. Cori and I were in stitches, along with our new best friends, and I was almost sad to see the end of the photo line.

We had planned on attempting the World Showcase today but by the time we hit Canada it was after 5:30 and we were running out of steam. We reversed course, had a quick dinner at a nice Mexican spot and made our way out of the park. Oh, before we left the restaurant Cam had made two more new best friends, an elderly couple here from Texas with family in Colorado. Yes, they revealed all of this to a three year old while I pretty much just stood there and shook my head. They were enjoying her company so much they ended up being late to meet their own grandchildren. Again, just shaking my head.

Overall I found Epcot to be the most beautiful and well planned of the parks we've seen so far. Everything was flowering or covered in foliage, with spectacular fountains and waterways everywhere. It was very visually appealing all around, I really enjoyed just looking about and being surprised by the details and beauty at every turn. Plus the futuristic and technological slant was very well done even for being slightly dated. If I had to rate it, I'd give it four out of five unicorns.

Bean fell asleep on the bus ride home again, so we spent some time in the room then hit the pool for a very quick dip after she woke up. We're now winding down and preparing for a big day at Sea World tomorrow. I also think we'll go back to Epcot on Saturday to finish the World Showcase and maybe have a nice dinner there. I may have to hire a booking agent to handle all of Cam's appearance requests by the time we leave here.

G'night!

Disney - Day Four

Ah, Day Four at Disney. Already our new routine is feeling, well, pretty routine and we're getting cleaned up, dressed and out the door in record time. Today we had a slightly later start since we got to bed pretty late last night. Today we decided to lay siege to Disney Hollywood Studios before our big birthday dinner for Cori at 1900 Park Fair restaurant. Hair was done, sunscreen was applied and made our way to the bus stop for another day of intrigue and adventure.

I had consulted the maps of Hollywood Studios last night to try and prep our day and found that there just didn't seem to be all that much available. Probably enough to keep us busy for most of the day but nothing that really screamed "MUST DO!" Maybe the Indiana Jones stunt show, definitely Fantasmic if we could time it right, but other than that I decided we'd just play our day by ear.

We arrived at the park and after being greeted by the awesome and gigantic Mickey wizard hat we made our first stop at the Voyage of the Little Mermaid live show. It was roughly 20 minutes, and was cute for the kids, but was just a semi-live action rehash of the movie. I had hoped for some original material rather than stuff Cam and I have watched 267 times already. That's an exact figure for those of you at home. The wait plus the show got us right up to lunch time so we took a break for grub and then made our way over to the big stage to watch Beauty and the Beast performed musical style. It was very well done and entertained us all, but again it was another rehash of the movie. Doesn't Disney have any side stories to tell with these characters? Perhaps Ariel sings a song about her new found toes, or we get a look at Gaston five years later as he battles alcoholism and a beer gut. Or maybe not. I guess that's why they stick to what works...

It was getting close to being time to leave for us to make dinner at Park Fair, so we rushed through two more "rides" which I would have been perfectly happy to have missed. The first was "The Great Movie Ride!" which sounded, um, great, so we hopped on. Turns out it was pretty boring and filled with cheese, recapping scenes from classic movies performed by animatronics and then filled in with our tour guide and another actor that tried to play an old west cowboy but could barely cover up his Australian accent. Nice try puadnah. This ride hasn't been updated with any "classics" since about 1980 so more than half the group was totally bored. If any of these kids knew who James Cagney was I'd have given them a dollar. Once it was over we filled our last half hour with Journey into Narnia: Prince Caspian. Sadly the journey only consisted of standing in line, then being shuffled into a big room where we all stood packed together while an extended trailer for a three year old movie played, then we were let out of the room and shown about five props before hitting the street. So far Hollywood Studios wasn't blowing me away. But we were going to come back later in the evening to pick up where we left off so we bid farewell for now.

It was time to hop a bus to the Grand Floridian resort for dinner. We arrived to an absolutely gorgeous, stately and imposing hotel. We had time to walk the grounds for about 30 minutes before dinner and I was very impressed by the place. I wouldn't mind staying there if we come back. Plus it has the super spiffy monorail service to the Magic Kingdom. That's a huge bonus in my book!

After a quick family picture it was finally time for dinner at 1900 Park Fair for Cori's birthday. This was another character filled extravaganza, with the crew from Cinderella along for the ride this evening. The restaurant is perfect for kids being buffet style, and there were plenty of dishes to choose from. During dinner we were greeted by the Wicked Stepmother and the two step-sisters, Anastasia and Drizella. They were a lot of fun, and Anastasia sat down with us and had a little chat with Bean. I almost expected her to finish dinner with us but the Bean magic released her back to her duties. We enjoyed our dinner, I enjoyed a very strong alcoholic drink, then Cori was treated to nice chocolate birthday cake and we were also served a ridiculously huge platter of ice cream. I left feeling way too full and we reluctantly made our way to the bus station.

We ended up making it back to Hollywood Studios only 45 minutes before Fantasmic was scheduled to begin and by this point it was already standing room only. I guess you need to be there about 90 minutes early to get a good seat. There was no way we'd make it through the show standing with so many people on full bellies and a quickly fading three year old, so we took a final walk through the park and then headed home. We had planned a night of swimming at our hotel but Cam fell asleep about 2 minutes before we stopped, so we came back to the room and called it a night. She woke up about ten minutes ago all angry that we can't go swimming now. This girl likes to party! Hopefully I can make it up to her with a day at Epcot tomorrow and some swimming when we get home.

Once again, I'd like to wish my Munchkin a very happy birthday and I hope she enjoyed herself. I sure wish we'd have had Krissy with us today but I know for a fact she's been watching our adventures very closely. She'd probably have some planning tips for me but she knows I always fly by the seat of my pants. We were all thinking of her today. Love you babe!

G'night!

Disney - Day Three

Here we are at the end of Day Three. Today was spent not at Disney World but at Universal Studios. Our primary mission was to take in the Harry Potter attraction and everything else at the park was secondary. We succeeded on both objectives, but I think we suffered a bit of Magic Kingdom letdown. After the amazing day we had yesterday I knew it would be a tough act to follow.

By leaving the friendly confines of the Disney grounds, this meant we had to find our own transportation, meals and anything else today. We caught a taxi to the park and suffered through the ticket line to get our passes, then hit the park. After you walk past all of the themed restaurants, theaters and 10am margarita stands the first thing you see is the Incredible Hulk rollercoaster towering above the walkway. We entertained ourselves with the screams of grown men and women before hitting the Marvel Comics themed area of the park. This was a bit of a surprise and guilty pleasure for me, I had completely forgotten that all this Marvel stuff existed at Universal so the kids had to indulge me as I wandered into the gift shops and got our pictures taken with Spider-Man and the other costumed characters wandering about. A cashier at one shop foolishly offered me 10% off if I could name all the characters on a t-shirt of his choosing. I crushed his little quiz and took my discount. If only he knew the Galactus levels of comic book geekery he was messing with! Unfortunately Cam was too short to go on the Spider-Man Daily Bugle ride so we did a little more shopping and then moved on. As much as I loved the Marvel stuff, my first impression of Universal was "expensive."

The comic strip portion of the park wasn't all that great and was really just in our way, then we trudged through the Jurassic Park area since once again Bean was too short to ride anything but the Pterodactyl ride and it was an hour wait. No thanks! Thankfully Harry Potter and Hogsmeade awaited us after walking past a few dozen dino-themed eateries and gift shops.

The reproduction of Hogwarts and Hogsmeade, at least on the outside, is outstanding. It's truly amazing to behold just how cool this looks as you're walking up to it. Unfortunately, once you get into the park there's not much too it. Hogsmeade is lined with stores from the Harry Potter universe and you can browse places such as Honeydukes, Dervish and Bangles, Olivander's Wand Shop and Zonko's. Olivander's is really neat. After a lengthy wait to get into the store, they put on a ten minute "wizard choosing" where a child is selected at random and they go through an act similar to the movie where a wand chooses the lucky kid. After that you're smartly ushered into the shop to buy a replica wand of your very own. Did I mention this place was expensive?

Outside of the shops about all there is left of Hogsmeade is the Three Broomsticks restaurant. We decided to make our pit stop here and ordered some semi-authentic Harry Potter fare. I do have to say the butter beer and pumpkin juice was very tasty. Cori wants to go back just for the butter beer. Like everything else at Universal the lunch was again, very expensive. We ate and drank our fill and moved along to see what wonders Hogwarts held for us.

Unfortunately, Hogwarts turned out to be a bit of a bust. For as beautiful and imposing the place is from the outside, all they have on the inside is a kid of indoor rollercoaster that once again Cam was too short for, and a gift shop with more expensive goodies inside. I had expected at least a bit of exploring or set pieces to be available but that was it. Thankfully we were able to ride the little Hippogriff rollercoaster outside Hagrid's shack, somehow Camryn was tall enough to ride this one but not much else. It moved fairly fast and had some great drops and turns, and being her first rollercoaster I wasn't sure what to expect, but pretty much the instant the cart stopped she looked at me and said "let's ride again Daddy!" So we did! After wearing this ride out we were again disappointed by the Dragon Challenge's height requirements and decided to bid Harry Potter farewell and make our way out of the park.

On our way out we passed by the Poseidon's Fury attraction and since it had virtually no wait time we headed in. The attendant gave Bean a look and warned me that it was "dark, noisy and scary" inside and I told her that she'd love it then. The "ride", if you want to call it that, was ok, they set it up pretty well with actors and neat sets, but the super cheesy 80's special affects in the big finale kinda ruined it for us, with Cori giving it a big eyeroll. At that point we figured our our day at Universal was done. We ended up catching a few little rides at the Dr. Seuss portion of the park and then made our way home. It had been over 90 degrees all day and we were a little worn out.

After naps and showers we settled on dinner here at the hotel and all decided on an evening in to recharge for another big day tomorrow. I think we'll give Disney Hollywood Studios a shot before we head to the very fancy 1900 Park Fair restaurant for Cori's birthday dinner with a cast of Disney Characters. She's really excited for this and I hope she enjoys it, she really deserves something special for being such an awesome kid.

The kids are snoring and it's probably time I join them. Maybe after I read a chapter or two. Hey, I'm still on Colorado time, the night is young!

G'night!

Disney - Day Two

During our second day at Disney World I had some time to reflect and make some observations. I've noticed some strange and interesting things, such as:

• Ice Cream and funnel cakes are perfectly acceptable as breakfast foods.
• Good looking women with sloppy, fat men: is it love, money, or attraction to fat sloppy men? I'm very confused on this one.
• If you don't believe in evolution I can prove you wrong. After viewing a large sample of the human population, I've seen the Missing Link. Several times.
• It's impossible to tell a 12 year old girl from a 19 year old girl. This is terrifying on many levels.
• There is still a great need for Stretch Pants and Short Shorts licenses in this country.

For Day Two at Disney World the Lanza Clan decided to take on the Magic Kingdom. I'm glad we waited until the second day for this park because I'm not sure anything can compare to this for sheer Disneyness, and I'd have hated to feel let down after our first day. As it was, the Magic Kingdom lived up to it's name and then some, we all had an absolute blast today. From the minute you walk through the front gates and see Main Street USA, to your first view of Cinderella's Castle, to the shows, parades, rides and shopping, this place is non-stop fun and entertainment. I can truly say we were constantly engaged for the entire 10 hours we spent here today. This was exactly what I expected from Disney World.

I really can't detail everything we did today, but I'll provide a few highlights. Cori was kind of scared on the Pirates of the Caribbean and Haunted Mansion rides, and Camryn told her to "Don't be such a wuss." We all loved the jungle cruise, the live Dreams show in front of the castle, and we all agreed Pinocchio's restaurant sucked. There's no excuse for making crappy mac & cheese. Fantasy Land is by far the most fun of all the areas in the park. And we all thought the Tea Cups are super fun even though I wanted to barf several times before the ride was over.

However I have to share two great highlights from today with you. I know I'm going to cherish these as two of my best memories of this trip so far. The first was a quicky, but caught me by surprise, and I was so happy it worked out the way it did. We decided to check out the TomorrowLand area before figuring out a dinner plan. We were a little bummed that Cam wasn't tall enough for the Stitch's Great Escape ride (two measly inches!) and Cori wasn't up for attempting Space Mountain on her own, so we settled on the TomorrowLand Speedway. It's basically a big go-kart track on rails, you can control the gas but it pretty much steers itself. Cam could ride with me and Cori got her own car. I got into our kart and slipped behind the steering wheel, looked at the setup and thought, why am I driving this thing? I asked if Cam could drive and got the go-ahead. I stuck the runt behind the steering wheel and stepped on the gas. Even though this thing was on rails you could still steer a little bit left and right, and this proved to be the most fun we had on a ride all day. Cam was giggling hysterically at her control of the car, I was laughing at our drunken master style of driving as she slammed us back and forth, and Cori was tailing us and laughing at the entire scene. Add to that the fact Cori rear ended us three times in a kart that goes about 4 mph and we must have looked like quite the crew. By the time we finished this ride we were all so upbeat we knocked out a few more rides before heading to dinner.

Dinner turned out to another clinic in Camryn Magic. We're eating off of the Disney meal plan here, meaning we have prepaid for so many snacks, fast food and restaurant meals each day. The first two are easy to find and use up, but the restaurant, or "table service" meals are harder since most of the restaurants require a reservation. The best one in the Magic Kingdom is Cinderella's Royal Table. Inside of the big castle, featuring the four main princesses in person, this is every little, and probably big, girl's dream dinner at Disney World. Not quite knowing this at the start, I asked the hostesses if they had any openings for dinner and was told only if there was a cancellation, so basically fat chance, but I could try back later. Fair enough, so we checked out a few of the souvenir shops and I asked one more time. This is where the Cam Magic kicked in. As I'm asking the hostess about other table service restaurants around the park since there were no cancellations, Bean is chatting up the other hostess and being her usual irresistible self. This goes on for a few minutes, after which I'm now told if I can hang out for about 10 minutes they'll let me know if anything opens up. Interesting. We take a seat and watch about thirty people ask the hostesses for openings and they are all turned away. Seven minutes later, we are beckoned by Cam's new best friend and given a ticket to head inside and get our pictures taken with Cinderella and then head to our table for dinner. I look at Cam, shake my head and laugh. Whatever this kid has, I need to bottle it and sell it for $49.95 a pop. Dinner was incredibly fun, definitely a memory I'll cherish forever, and I hope the girls will too. As Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Ariel and Belle passed our table, each were sucked in by Bean's gravitational pull and spent the most time chatting at our table. Ariel even nicknamed her Camryn Berry. They're like best buddies now. We all ate too much and left with huge grins on our faces. Thanks Cam!

That was pretty much it for Day Two. We took the bus home, another quick dip in the pool, showers, and now bedtime. Tomorrow we take on Universal Studios and Harry Potter. I hope they're ready for us!

G'night!

Disney World! - Day One

Yes, the Lanza family has arrived at Disney World. We've been waiting so long to make this trip and we're finally here! And what an adventure it's been so far. Should I have expected anything less?

Unfortunately this trip got off to a shaky start yesterday. We were set to fly out of Colorado Springs at 8:30am but due to some high winds around town and crummy weather in our connecting city of Chicago we didn't even get into the air until 11:00am. Yeah, an extra 90 minutes in the airport and then sitting on the runway for an hour with a 3 year old was a blast. But thankfully we did finally take off and all was well. Thank god for movies on the laptop! However by the time we made it to Chicago we missed our connecting flight and had to sit around for another two hours to make the next flight out to Orlando. At last, at 8:00pm Orlando time, we walked off the plan to beautiful 85 degree weather and the Disney Magical Express awaiting our arrival.

We are staying at the Coronado Springs hotel on the outskirts of the Animal Kingdom part here at DW. This hotel is amazing, so huge and sprawling, lush green trees, ponds and swimming pools everywhere. There's one right outside our door! We got settled in our room and had a late dinner in the hotel. Getting used to eastern time wasn't easy for the kids and we didn't all get to sleep until almost 10:30 last night. To no one's surprise we didn't awake at the crack of dawn this morning.

For our first day of Disney festivities we decided to start off at the Animal Kingdom since we're right here already. The bus stop to the park was just a short walk outside our door so we waited at the bus stop. By the time we got off the bus, which was maybe a 15 minute ride, Camryn had already made about five new friends, all adults, and had half the bus wishing her a good time on her first trip to Disney. This kid should run for president someday. After the pleasantries ended we got to work on tackling our first park. We began the day in DinoLand USA. I had assumed this would be a hit with the kids with all the fun interactive activities available, but the random growling and chirping of the beasts kind of freaked Cam out. Yes, the kid that loves zombies and vampires was scared of dinosaur bones. So we made our visit to Dinoland shorter than I had planned. It worked out fine anyway since she was too short for the Dinosaur ride and Cori wanted to check out the Finding Nemo musical. This went over much better and we all had a great time. The show is really neat, with costumed actors carrying around giant character props they controlled like puppets, while still playing the role themselves too. It's kinda hard to visualize, but they pulled it off really well.

After the cuteness of Nemo we moved onto the Asia portion of the park for lunch. Even for a semi-fictional version of places like Nepal, Tibet, it was very beautiful and felt authentic. Authentic enough that I wanted to wash my hands frequently as we walked around. We got to see a really cool tiger exhibit where they are actually out and about as opposed to our zoo at home, then some crazy nasty giant bats, and finally watching a few minutes of the giant Everest rollercoaster that we couldn't ride before we moved onto the Africa section of the park. Africa felt even more authentic since it was about two-thousand degrees this afternoon and we were getting sweaty and tired. We took a break and rode Rafiki's train out to the nature reserve they have set up here and got to pet some animals before we decided it was time to head back to the hotel for some rest.

On our journey back we decided to make one last side trek to Camp Minnie-Mickey to see what was happening. I'm very glad we ventured down this path as it ended up being the most entertaining part of my day. They were having character meet and greet opportunities and Cam was all excited. We decided on Minnie Mouse and got in line. Of course, as soon as we step into line Minnie had to take a break to "water the flowers". This is their wording, not mine, and I hope it was not literal. She came back after about ten minutes of watering and eventually Cam got to meet her favorite mouse. Once again, the Camryn magic kicked in, and Minnie knelt down to have a little conversation with our girl. All I could do was shake my head and laugh. And record it in pictures and video of course. We got our photo opportunity and Cam had a few last words with Minnie, complimenting her on her eyelashes, then we took our leave of the Animal Kingdom and ventured back to the hotel.

We wrapped up the evening with an excellent dinner at the hotel. We had a fancy sit-down dinner with all the fixins. It felt like we were really on vacation now! After dinner and a relaxing walk around the gorgeous lake here, we decided to toss on the trunks and hit the pool outside our room. There were very few people out, just some adults enjoying drinks by the pool, so we had the whole thing to ourselves. We just now finished our showers and have started planning our day at the Magic Kingdom tomorrow. I think Cam might actually poop herself when she sees all the princesses. She's even excited to see her favorite of the Seven Dwarfs, Fashbul :)

G'night!

Messages in Dreams

I need to write this down before I lose it forever. Part of me doesn't want to, but I know it's important, to understand my life and why we are here. I had a dream about Krissy several weeks ago. I dream vividly and often, but rarely of her since she passed away. When she died I thought that she'd come and speak to me in dreams but it hasn't worked out that way, either due to my subconscious or something else. But this time she did come and I dreamed and I should try to remember and hold onto her message, as hard as it was to hear.

As with all the dreams I've had of her since she left us, she is still sick. I know she has cancer but thankfully she looks amazing, not yet suffering and wasting away. We are in a hospital and there is some discussion of what course her treatment should take and what decisions she will make. It's very reminiscent of our visit to the University Hospital in Denver, it's probably the backdrop my brain gave to this scene. We are in a waiting room talking and she's suddenly in a hospital gown, and I've missed something, but I'm crying and attempting to convince her that no matter what the doctors say or do we will find a way to make her better. We had a discussion like this in life as well, I wanted nothing more than to instill some fight and hope in her and convince her no matter what we'll find a way to cure her. In real life we agreed to continue on, to keep up the fight, no matter how much her spirit had been broken. This time, in the dream, it was different. She held my hand, caressed my face, and told me it was ok. That it doesn't matter what we do, this was going to happen, was supposed to happen, and that it was ok. I refused to listen and cried at her, we have to try something, anything, to let me help. Again, so gently, she told me no, to let it go, and that she was ok now, that this was how it was supposed to be. She smiled so beautifully and I knew she was right.

It was at this point that I woke up, in the middle of the night, sobbing as hard as I had done in the dream. I was still mostly asleep but I remembered her voice, her touch and her presence and I missed it so badly. She hasn't visited me often in my dreams, but this was the most vivid, and I know she wanted me to understand how she felt when she died. That she was ok with it and that she had excepted this. I haven't, and can't, but I needed to hear from her that she was ok.

This has probably been the hardest thing for me to accept, that giving up her life was the answer to our prayers. Not a cure, but the end of suffering. When she was sick, I believed everyday that she would get better, and every setback was an obstacle to overcome. I never doubted her or doubted that we could do this together. So that is what hurts the most right now, and I have some guilt about it, that I believed so much and still she died. I hate thinking there was probably something else I could have tried, something I should have said, some treatment I should have made her try. But she finally told me that it doesn't matter now, she's ok and for now I have some small peace in that. I still miss her terribly, and wish she'd come to my dreams more often, but I am comforted she is with God.

Just another day right?

One year ago today my heart was broken. One year ago today, we learned that Krissy had unresectable cancer, no chance for cure, no chance for life, a sentence ending in death. They broke my wife that day, broke her spirit and her strength, left us with pieces that we picked up but could never quite fit together again. Krissy fought hard, battled demons and pain and suffering, and although it's only been five months since her death, I truly lost her that day.

I hate marking these days that should otherwise have no special importance in our lives. This day, the 28th, will mark the day we journeyed into the horrors of cancer, every day a reminder of hardship and sadness. A year ago, last night, I slept in a hospital room, in a chair at the foot of her bed, praying that the doctors would finally give my wife relief from the pain she had been suffering through the previous year. What she received instead was the worst of any outcomes we imagined.

I've tried hard not to mark every day of significance since Krissy passed away. I don't want to look at every 14th on the calendar with despair, or any other day we marked with some importance during our lives together. But I can't get past it today. Today a clock started ticking. But the clock is broken. I'm broken. The minute and hour hands move relentlessly forward, but the second hand is stuck, trying to tick forward, hindered by some underlying mechanism that will never function quite the same again.

My memories of Kris these past few months have been of better days, when she was happy, healthy, full of laughter and fire. Today I can feel the past year under my skin. Last night I dreamt I was back in that hospital room, cold, uncomfortable, listening through waking and sleep for her breathing, the beep of IV machines, shuffle of nurses. Today I'm watching them wheel her into surgery, kissing her one last time before she's taken away from me, never to return. I just can't forget what came next, the tubes, injections, sickness, uncertainty, fear, desperation, hope, determination, frustration, decent, heartbreak. The rollercoaster is just starting on it's uphill climb before lurching and hurtling down and around and upside down.

I can feel the wound that had scabbed over starting to open up again, raw, painful. I hear loss like this leaves a scar so we'll never forget. I'm not sure scar tissue is going to form on this one, this feels like it's going to bleed for a long time.

The Good Things

It's been a while since I've had the urge to write here. After Krissy's birthday, I really felt like my emotional batteries had been drained, and in a way I still feel this way. This month of October is bringing me back to the time a year ago when Krissy's health worsened and we went to the hospital for two weeks, and when we were given her terrible diagnosis. This has been a gray, numbing couple of weeks. Strangely enough though, I've found reason to be happy even to the point of questioning whether I'm in denial at the moment. I truly feel alive and thankful for the things I have in my life at the moment. Of course, these feelings bring with them guilt and longing for things I can never have again, but it's getting easier to reconcile my current life with the one I had just a year ago.

Everyday I'm overwhelmingly thankful to have such beautiful and wonderful children. My girls really keep me going, and without them this would be so much more difficult. With Cori I have seen her grow into such an astonishing young woman and I marvel at her courage every day. She reminds me of why it's important to stay positive and always think and talk about the great things Kris left us. We are able to talk about our memories of her, what she would have wanted for us, and that we have amazing lives yet to live and should treasure every day. It hurts, but it helps too. With Camryn I have the ultimate reminder of her mother and a source of such pure joy I can't imagine what life would be like without her. While her questions about mommy have gotten less frequent she still understands she is missing Krissy and that she is not coming back. However, she is just so happy and full of life, you can't help but smile and laugh in her presence. She has her mom's spunk and attitude and it gives me comfort to know a piece of Kris lives on in this wonderful little girl. Both of my daughters remind me so much of Krissy that sometimes I just have to shake my head and thank God that she left me with such beautiful reminders.

As unlikely as I had thought it would be five months ago, life has indeed continued on for my family. I have such tremendous support from my family and we enjoy all of the time we spend together. Dinner every night, football games on Sunday, weekends out... I feel we've been therapeutic for each other without really knowing it was happening. I can almost talk about those painful days without crying. Almost! I think we're all at roughly the same point in our healing process and I know I wouldn't feel as good and as healthy as I do right now without their presence. The same can be said of my close friends, all of whom have just let me be myself and have given me open ended love and support throughout. I also know I will never, ever, starve as long as the girls at work are keeping an eye on me.

I've been trying to figure out what I've learned from all of this. From the heartbreak of Krissy's diagnosis, the fear and uncertainty of helping her heal and cope with the horrible affects of cancer, the hope of recovery and trying to stay so positive for her, then the sudden and crushing acknowledgement that her life was ending. I learned in some ways I'm much stronger than I expected myself to be, and in other ways just how helpless and uncertain I feel. I learned how to take better care of our health, but it's been difficult to stay on the rigid track we attempted while Krissy was undergoing treatments. I learned people are capable of amazing love and generosity in ways I could never expect. I think the most important thing I've learned over this past year is that no matter how much it hurts, or how much sadness you endure, there will always be good things in your life and they must be acknowledged and nurtured. I'd be an absolute fool to ignore or neglect the positive people and events in my life simply because I have sadness and grief over losing the love of my life. We have to laugh, we have to play, we have to live. Krissy wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Birthday Wish

I haven't written to you for some time now, simply because it has hurt too much to do so. But on this day, a day I wanted so much to celebrate with you, I have to tell you that I miss you. So, so much. I walked in the shade of your brilliance for so long, grew so accustomed to your light and energy leading and protecting me, that this vacuum you left behind is sometimes too much to bear. Sometimes I have no idea where I am going without you beside me. So many times now I have simply wanted to talk to you, to hold you, to laugh with you. I can never do these things again. Your headstone is the final, physical reminder that your life with me has ended and I will have to carry on without you. It's still surreal and unfathomable to me, to know I have a full life ahead of me and I won't be enjoying it with you.

I drove into the mountains this weekend to be with my friends and attempt to enjoy a last weekend of summer before the fall comes to remind me of this past year of pain and sorrow. I thought of you the entire time as I wound around those roads we traveled together just nine months ago. I felt so much promise then, so much hope, that we could beat this thing and you would be a success story. I thought it would happen, I truly did, but in the end this was God's plan for you and I struggle every day to accept it. I saw you in every ray of sunshine this weekend and spoke to you in the dark as I stared into the embers of the campfire. I didn't find any answers but I found memories I had forgotten and will continue to savor and reflect on the great times we spent together.

If you made your peace with God before the end and accepted your fate, I will continue to do the same, even though it will never ease my hurt to not have you here with our children. Already they are changing and growing in your absence. Camryn told me that it's time for you to come down from Heaven already. She understands you have left us and soon will understand just how permanent it is. Coral is confused and angry and we are all trying out best to lead her through this to some understanding of why her mother is gone. I think they will be ok, but it's not going to be easy, not ever. I just continue to teach them how much you loved them and how important it is to lead lives you would be proud of.

I'm finding solace in simple things now. Butterflies have become your avatar and we see them constantly, in the most unlikely places. They flutter up to Josh in the welding shop. They flash across our paths in the cemetery, in the car, at work, everywhere. Jen has given us three butterflies to raise and release in your memory and I can't wait to see them spread their wings and fly away on the currents of your spirit. They are children of summer and so perfectly reflect the path of your life: born, beautiful, carefree, living quickly and furiously, and then gone from the world all too quickly. I will always see you in the beautiful colors of their wings.

As I finish writing these words it is no longer your birthday, but this was the only gift I could give you. We may have started a new tradition tonight, a small gathering in your honor, choosing to relish your memory for one day rather than mourning it. I drank to you, and polished off a few of your favorite amaretto sours, even if they were a bit too sweet for my taste. You always loved that drink. Even if I couldn't spend today with you I would spend today for you, and I think we all did it in our own fashion. Cori sent balloons to you and Cam wants them back. Happy birthday my love.

Permanence

After many weeks of artist's block, hand wringing, coordinating with the memorial folks and then just plain ol' waiting, Krissy's headstone is finally complete and residing over our plots. I must say, that even after drawing it out and seeing the comp images of the design, I wasn't quite prepared to see it cut forever into stone. It's fitting, and in its own way reminds me of Krissy. Like my beautiful wife, it stands out amongst the gray and black of the cemetary, you really can't miss it when you pull into our section. I always said you could never miss Krissy in a crowd, even at 5'. I'm very happy with the work that Spence Memorial did for us, they were extremely helpful every step of the way and put up with my constant badgering over email and inexperience with a design like this.

For those interested in the details, the stone is a blue pearl granite, imported from Asia, and really has to be seen in the sunlight to catch all the beautiful facets and colors it contains. I hand picked and hand drew everything for this, and I really couldn't see myself doing anything else for my wife. I truly wanted to give her an everlasting memorial, and adorned it with images from both our lives. The center design is a celtic knot I drew for her that ended up as a tattoo on her wrist. As with the phoenix, she assigned great meaning to this tattoo also, turning it upside down from my original drawing and discovering it was really a heart, with three points for the loves in her life, the girls and myself. I knew as soon as I decided to design the headstone that I would be using this as the centerpiece. The continuation of the border ends up in scroll work that I wanted to represent waves, of the ocean between us right now, but eventually they will meet and retreat together to somewhere new and wonderful. I'm not sure I pulled it off but as an overall design for the stone I'm pretty satisfied with how it looks. My only intention was to honor my wife and to create something unique as an everlasting memorial to her, to show my love and my heartbreak. I hope she likes it.

It's also strange just how permanent and final the stone makes everything feel. I told a friend the other day that now it feels like the final piece of putting her to rest is in place, and it's a strange feeling. I do feel better about visiting her at the cemetery now that it's there though. Something to focus on, something solid. I hope others can visit her now and feel a bit more at peace.