Disney - Day Five

Man, my feet hurt. I haven't done this much walking since the Walk for Mankind when I was 12. But Disney World waits for no man, sore feet or not, so we woke up bright and early once again, strapped on our tennis shoes and marched off for combat against the epic Epcot theme park. I herded my little soldiers off to the bus stop and we began another awesome day here in beautiful Orlando.

One thing I haven't mentioned yet has been the weather. Or maybe the lack of it. Since we arrived last Friday it's been consistently sunny, clear, windless and about 88 degrees every single day. The only exception so far was yesterday afternoon when we had clouds for a few hours in the afternoon. So I have to say it's been incredibly nice for our days at Disney.

Today was Epcot day for the Lanza family and I decided it was best to keep my expectations in check. There aren't a lot of rides in the traditional sense at this park but it seemed like there was a ton of stuff to see, so I was excited and hopeful there would be enough to keep the kids entertained. My first impressions after leaving the bus and seeing that gigantic shining golf ball was "Cool!" We hopped on the Spaceship Earth ride right off the bat and had a great time with the interactive portions of the event, especially the part where the photoshopped mine and Cori's head onto futuristic outfits for everyone in the entire place to see. Very fun indeed! The ride also emailed us a copy of all this entertainment so we'll have some virtual memories to savor as well. That seemed to be the overall theme for Epcot: interactivity. Pretty much everything we did today we were also able to take a part in either during or after the ride, which we all found very fun. Cam had a blast after the Seas with Nemo and Friends and the Journey into Imagination rides. There was a really cute light activated music room and Bean was sprinting around making the floor light up and playing music.

One really entertaining event, at least for me, was the Captain EO 3D movie. It wasn't necessarily even good, but I got a kick out of it for sure. It was the original 3D sci-fi flavored movie with Michael Jackson from 1986. I have no idea if it's been playing continuously in Epcot since then but they gave this movie a lot of hype and build-up before you're ushred into the 3D theater to watch a 20 minute flick with Thriller style dancing, little to no plot and sub-Star Wars special effects. All the same, I thought it was awesome. Cori was less than impressed and I'm not sure Cam watched more than five minutes of it. Dang spoiled 21st century kids. When I was their age this thing would have been a blockbuster! 3D without red and blue glasses? That was like the future man!

My personal highlight of the day was not Captain EO, but Epcot Character Spot. Basically a big room with all the main Disney characters set up at photo stations for the kids, this proved to be a regular laugh riot with Camryn on hand. To start off, we'd been in line for about two minutes before she made best friends with the mother and 18 year old daughter standing behind us. We were all on first name basis by the time we even saw Mickey, we wished Abigail (the daughter) a happy birthday, and they even hung around to watch Cam get her pictures taken with the characters. Yes, it was that entertaining. We were able to spend quality time with Mickey, Minnie, Pluto, Donald and Goofy. All were sucked into the inescapable vortex of Cam's charisma and ended up holding up the line of crying and impatient children so they could talk to her. She squeezed their noses, complimented their eyelashes, high-fived, hugged and even danced with all of them. Cori and I were in stitches, along with our new best friends, and I was almost sad to see the end of the photo line.

We had planned on attempting the World Showcase today but by the time we hit Canada it was after 5:30 and we were running out of steam. We reversed course, had a quick dinner at a nice Mexican spot and made our way out of the park. Oh, before we left the restaurant Cam had made two more new best friends, an elderly couple here from Texas with family in Colorado. Yes, they revealed all of this to a three year old while I pretty much just stood there and shook my head. They were enjoying her company so much they ended up being late to meet their own grandchildren. Again, just shaking my head.

Overall I found Epcot to be the most beautiful and well planned of the parks we've seen so far. Everything was flowering or covered in foliage, with spectacular fountains and waterways everywhere. It was very visually appealing all around, I really enjoyed just looking about and being surprised by the details and beauty at every turn. Plus the futuristic and technological slant was very well done even for being slightly dated. If I had to rate it, I'd give it four out of five unicorns.

Bean fell asleep on the bus ride home again, so we spent some time in the room then hit the pool for a very quick dip after she woke up. We're now winding down and preparing for a big day at Sea World tomorrow. I also think we'll go back to Epcot on Saturday to finish the World Showcase and maybe have a nice dinner there. I may have to hire a booking agent to handle all of Cam's appearance requests by the time we leave here.

G'night!

Disney - Day Four

Ah, Day Four at Disney. Already our new routine is feeling, well, pretty routine and we're getting cleaned up, dressed and out the door in record time. Today we had a slightly later start since we got to bed pretty late last night. Today we decided to lay siege to Disney Hollywood Studios before our big birthday dinner for Cori at 1900 Park Fair restaurant. Hair was done, sunscreen was applied and made our way to the bus stop for another day of intrigue and adventure.

I had consulted the maps of Hollywood Studios last night to try and prep our day and found that there just didn't seem to be all that much available. Probably enough to keep us busy for most of the day but nothing that really screamed "MUST DO!" Maybe the Indiana Jones stunt show, definitely Fantasmic if we could time it right, but other than that I decided we'd just play our day by ear.

We arrived at the park and after being greeted by the awesome and gigantic Mickey wizard hat we made our first stop at the Voyage of the Little Mermaid live show. It was roughly 20 minutes, and was cute for the kids, but was just a semi-live action rehash of the movie. I had hoped for some original material rather than stuff Cam and I have watched 267 times already. That's an exact figure for those of you at home. The wait plus the show got us right up to lunch time so we took a break for grub and then made our way over to the big stage to watch Beauty and the Beast performed musical style. It was very well done and entertained us all, but again it was another rehash of the movie. Doesn't Disney have any side stories to tell with these characters? Perhaps Ariel sings a song about her new found toes, or we get a look at Gaston five years later as he battles alcoholism and a beer gut. Or maybe not. I guess that's why they stick to what works...

It was getting close to being time to leave for us to make dinner at Park Fair, so we rushed through two more "rides" which I would have been perfectly happy to have missed. The first was "The Great Movie Ride!" which sounded, um, great, so we hopped on. Turns out it was pretty boring and filled with cheese, recapping scenes from classic movies performed by animatronics and then filled in with our tour guide and another actor that tried to play an old west cowboy but could barely cover up his Australian accent. Nice try puadnah. This ride hasn't been updated with any "classics" since about 1980 so more than half the group was totally bored. If any of these kids knew who James Cagney was I'd have given them a dollar. Once it was over we filled our last half hour with Journey into Narnia: Prince Caspian. Sadly the journey only consisted of standing in line, then being shuffled into a big room where we all stood packed together while an extended trailer for a three year old movie played, then we were let out of the room and shown about five props before hitting the street. So far Hollywood Studios wasn't blowing me away. But we were going to come back later in the evening to pick up where we left off so we bid farewell for now.

It was time to hop a bus to the Grand Floridian resort for dinner. We arrived to an absolutely gorgeous, stately and imposing hotel. We had time to walk the grounds for about 30 minutes before dinner and I was very impressed by the place. I wouldn't mind staying there if we come back. Plus it has the super spiffy monorail service to the Magic Kingdom. That's a huge bonus in my book!

After a quick family picture it was finally time for dinner at 1900 Park Fair for Cori's birthday. This was another character filled extravaganza, with the crew from Cinderella along for the ride this evening. The restaurant is perfect for kids being buffet style, and there were plenty of dishes to choose from. During dinner we were greeted by the Wicked Stepmother and the two step-sisters, Anastasia and Drizella. They were a lot of fun, and Anastasia sat down with us and had a little chat with Bean. I almost expected her to finish dinner with us but the Bean magic released her back to her duties. We enjoyed our dinner, I enjoyed a very strong alcoholic drink, then Cori was treated to nice chocolate birthday cake and we were also served a ridiculously huge platter of ice cream. I left feeling way too full and we reluctantly made our way to the bus station.

We ended up making it back to Hollywood Studios only 45 minutes before Fantasmic was scheduled to begin and by this point it was already standing room only. I guess you need to be there about 90 minutes early to get a good seat. There was no way we'd make it through the show standing with so many people on full bellies and a quickly fading three year old, so we took a final walk through the park and then headed home. We had planned a night of swimming at our hotel but Cam fell asleep about 2 minutes before we stopped, so we came back to the room and called it a night. She woke up about ten minutes ago all angry that we can't go swimming now. This girl likes to party! Hopefully I can make it up to her with a day at Epcot tomorrow and some swimming when we get home.

Once again, I'd like to wish my Munchkin a very happy birthday and I hope she enjoyed herself. I sure wish we'd have had Krissy with us today but I know for a fact she's been watching our adventures very closely. She'd probably have some planning tips for me but she knows I always fly by the seat of my pants. We were all thinking of her today. Love you babe!

G'night!

Disney - Day Three

Here we are at the end of Day Three. Today was spent not at Disney World but at Universal Studios. Our primary mission was to take in the Harry Potter attraction and everything else at the park was secondary. We succeeded on both objectives, but I think we suffered a bit of Magic Kingdom letdown. After the amazing day we had yesterday I knew it would be a tough act to follow.

By leaving the friendly confines of the Disney grounds, this meant we had to find our own transportation, meals and anything else today. We caught a taxi to the park and suffered through the ticket line to get our passes, then hit the park. After you walk past all of the themed restaurants, theaters and 10am margarita stands the first thing you see is the Incredible Hulk rollercoaster towering above the walkway. We entertained ourselves with the screams of grown men and women before hitting the Marvel Comics themed area of the park. This was a bit of a surprise and guilty pleasure for me, I had completely forgotten that all this Marvel stuff existed at Universal so the kids had to indulge me as I wandered into the gift shops and got our pictures taken with Spider-Man and the other costumed characters wandering about. A cashier at one shop foolishly offered me 10% off if I could name all the characters on a t-shirt of his choosing. I crushed his little quiz and took my discount. If only he knew the Galactus levels of comic book geekery he was messing with! Unfortunately Cam was too short to go on the Spider-Man Daily Bugle ride so we did a little more shopping and then moved on. As much as I loved the Marvel stuff, my first impression of Universal was "expensive."

The comic strip portion of the park wasn't all that great and was really just in our way, then we trudged through the Jurassic Park area since once again Bean was too short to ride anything but the Pterodactyl ride and it was an hour wait. No thanks! Thankfully Harry Potter and Hogsmeade awaited us after walking past a few dozen dino-themed eateries and gift shops.

The reproduction of Hogwarts and Hogsmeade, at least on the outside, is outstanding. It's truly amazing to behold just how cool this looks as you're walking up to it. Unfortunately, once you get into the park there's not much too it. Hogsmeade is lined with stores from the Harry Potter universe and you can browse places such as Honeydukes, Dervish and Bangles, Olivander's Wand Shop and Zonko's. Olivander's is really neat. After a lengthy wait to get into the store, they put on a ten minute "wizard choosing" where a child is selected at random and they go through an act similar to the movie where a wand chooses the lucky kid. After that you're smartly ushered into the shop to buy a replica wand of your very own. Did I mention this place was expensive?

Outside of the shops about all there is left of Hogsmeade is the Three Broomsticks restaurant. We decided to make our pit stop here and ordered some semi-authentic Harry Potter fare. I do have to say the butter beer and pumpkin juice was very tasty. Cori wants to go back just for the butter beer. Like everything else at Universal the lunch was again, very expensive. We ate and drank our fill and moved along to see what wonders Hogwarts held for us.

Unfortunately, Hogwarts turned out to be a bit of a bust. For as beautiful and imposing the place is from the outside, all they have on the inside is a kid of indoor rollercoaster that once again Cam was too short for, and a gift shop with more expensive goodies inside. I had expected at least a bit of exploring or set pieces to be available but that was it. Thankfully we were able to ride the little Hippogriff rollercoaster outside Hagrid's shack, somehow Camryn was tall enough to ride this one but not much else. It moved fairly fast and had some great drops and turns, and being her first rollercoaster I wasn't sure what to expect, but pretty much the instant the cart stopped she looked at me and said "let's ride again Daddy!" So we did! After wearing this ride out we were again disappointed by the Dragon Challenge's height requirements and decided to bid Harry Potter farewell and make our way out of the park.

On our way out we passed by the Poseidon's Fury attraction and since it had virtually no wait time we headed in. The attendant gave Bean a look and warned me that it was "dark, noisy and scary" inside and I told her that she'd love it then. The "ride", if you want to call it that, was ok, they set it up pretty well with actors and neat sets, but the super cheesy 80's special affects in the big finale kinda ruined it for us, with Cori giving it a big eyeroll. At that point we figured our our day at Universal was done. We ended up catching a few little rides at the Dr. Seuss portion of the park and then made our way home. It had been over 90 degrees all day and we were a little worn out.

After naps and showers we settled on dinner here at the hotel and all decided on an evening in to recharge for another big day tomorrow. I think we'll give Disney Hollywood Studios a shot before we head to the very fancy 1900 Park Fair restaurant for Cori's birthday dinner with a cast of Disney Characters. She's really excited for this and I hope she enjoys it, she really deserves something special for being such an awesome kid.

The kids are snoring and it's probably time I join them. Maybe after I read a chapter or two. Hey, I'm still on Colorado time, the night is young!

G'night!

Disney - Day Two

During our second day at Disney World I had some time to reflect and make some observations. I've noticed some strange and interesting things, such as:

• Ice Cream and funnel cakes are perfectly acceptable as breakfast foods.
• Good looking women with sloppy, fat men: is it love, money, or attraction to fat sloppy men? I'm very confused on this one.
• If you don't believe in evolution I can prove you wrong. After viewing a large sample of the human population, I've seen the Missing Link. Several times.
• It's impossible to tell a 12 year old girl from a 19 year old girl. This is terrifying on many levels.
• There is still a great need for Stretch Pants and Short Shorts licenses in this country.

For Day Two at Disney World the Lanza Clan decided to take on the Magic Kingdom. I'm glad we waited until the second day for this park because I'm not sure anything can compare to this for sheer Disneyness, and I'd have hated to feel let down after our first day. As it was, the Magic Kingdom lived up to it's name and then some, we all had an absolute blast today. From the minute you walk through the front gates and see Main Street USA, to your first view of Cinderella's Castle, to the shows, parades, rides and shopping, this place is non-stop fun and entertainment. I can truly say we were constantly engaged for the entire 10 hours we spent here today. This was exactly what I expected from Disney World.

I really can't detail everything we did today, but I'll provide a few highlights. Cori was kind of scared on the Pirates of the Caribbean and Haunted Mansion rides, and Camryn told her to "Don't be such a wuss." We all loved the jungle cruise, the live Dreams show in front of the castle, and we all agreed Pinocchio's restaurant sucked. There's no excuse for making crappy mac & cheese. Fantasy Land is by far the most fun of all the areas in the park. And we all thought the Tea Cups are super fun even though I wanted to barf several times before the ride was over.

However I have to share two great highlights from today with you. I know I'm going to cherish these as two of my best memories of this trip so far. The first was a quicky, but caught me by surprise, and I was so happy it worked out the way it did. We decided to check out the TomorrowLand area before figuring out a dinner plan. We were a little bummed that Cam wasn't tall enough for the Stitch's Great Escape ride (two measly inches!) and Cori wasn't up for attempting Space Mountain on her own, so we settled on the TomorrowLand Speedway. It's basically a big go-kart track on rails, you can control the gas but it pretty much steers itself. Cam could ride with me and Cori got her own car. I got into our kart and slipped behind the steering wheel, looked at the setup and thought, why am I driving this thing? I asked if Cam could drive and got the go-ahead. I stuck the runt behind the steering wheel and stepped on the gas. Even though this thing was on rails you could still steer a little bit left and right, and this proved to be the most fun we had on a ride all day. Cam was giggling hysterically at her control of the car, I was laughing at our drunken master style of driving as she slammed us back and forth, and Cori was tailing us and laughing at the entire scene. Add to that the fact Cori rear ended us three times in a kart that goes about 4 mph and we must have looked like quite the crew. By the time we finished this ride we were all so upbeat we knocked out a few more rides before heading to dinner.

Dinner turned out to another clinic in Camryn Magic. We're eating off of the Disney meal plan here, meaning we have prepaid for so many snacks, fast food and restaurant meals each day. The first two are easy to find and use up, but the restaurant, or "table service" meals are harder since most of the restaurants require a reservation. The best one in the Magic Kingdom is Cinderella's Royal Table. Inside of the big castle, featuring the four main princesses in person, this is every little, and probably big, girl's dream dinner at Disney World. Not quite knowing this at the start, I asked the hostesses if they had any openings for dinner and was told only if there was a cancellation, so basically fat chance, but I could try back later. Fair enough, so we checked out a few of the souvenir shops and I asked one more time. This is where the Cam Magic kicked in. As I'm asking the hostess about other table service restaurants around the park since there were no cancellations, Bean is chatting up the other hostess and being her usual irresistible self. This goes on for a few minutes, after which I'm now told if I can hang out for about 10 minutes they'll let me know if anything opens up. Interesting. We take a seat and watch about thirty people ask the hostesses for openings and they are all turned away. Seven minutes later, we are beckoned by Cam's new best friend and given a ticket to head inside and get our pictures taken with Cinderella and then head to our table for dinner. I look at Cam, shake my head and laugh. Whatever this kid has, I need to bottle it and sell it for $49.95 a pop. Dinner was incredibly fun, definitely a memory I'll cherish forever, and I hope the girls will too. As Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Ariel and Belle passed our table, each were sucked in by Bean's gravitational pull and spent the most time chatting at our table. Ariel even nicknamed her Camryn Berry. They're like best buddies now. We all ate too much and left with huge grins on our faces. Thanks Cam!

That was pretty much it for Day Two. We took the bus home, another quick dip in the pool, showers, and now bedtime. Tomorrow we take on Universal Studios and Harry Potter. I hope they're ready for us!

G'night!

Disney World! - Day One

Yes, the Lanza family has arrived at Disney World. We've been waiting so long to make this trip and we're finally here! And what an adventure it's been so far. Should I have expected anything less?

Unfortunately this trip got off to a shaky start yesterday. We were set to fly out of Colorado Springs at 8:30am but due to some high winds around town and crummy weather in our connecting city of Chicago we didn't even get into the air until 11:00am. Yeah, an extra 90 minutes in the airport and then sitting on the runway for an hour with a 3 year old was a blast. But thankfully we did finally take off and all was well. Thank god for movies on the laptop! However by the time we made it to Chicago we missed our connecting flight and had to sit around for another two hours to make the next flight out to Orlando. At last, at 8:00pm Orlando time, we walked off the plan to beautiful 85 degree weather and the Disney Magical Express awaiting our arrival.

We are staying at the Coronado Springs hotel on the outskirts of the Animal Kingdom part here at DW. This hotel is amazing, so huge and sprawling, lush green trees, ponds and swimming pools everywhere. There's one right outside our door! We got settled in our room and had a late dinner in the hotel. Getting used to eastern time wasn't easy for the kids and we didn't all get to sleep until almost 10:30 last night. To no one's surprise we didn't awake at the crack of dawn this morning.

For our first day of Disney festivities we decided to start off at the Animal Kingdom since we're right here already. The bus stop to the park was just a short walk outside our door so we waited at the bus stop. By the time we got off the bus, which was maybe a 15 minute ride, Camryn had already made about five new friends, all adults, and had half the bus wishing her a good time on her first trip to Disney. This kid should run for president someday. After the pleasantries ended we got to work on tackling our first park. We began the day in DinoLand USA. I had assumed this would be a hit with the kids with all the fun interactive activities available, but the random growling and chirping of the beasts kind of freaked Cam out. Yes, the kid that loves zombies and vampires was scared of dinosaur bones. So we made our visit to Dinoland shorter than I had planned. It worked out fine anyway since she was too short for the Dinosaur ride and Cori wanted to check out the Finding Nemo musical. This went over much better and we all had a great time. The show is really neat, with costumed actors carrying around giant character props they controlled like puppets, while still playing the role themselves too. It's kinda hard to visualize, but they pulled it off really well.

After the cuteness of Nemo we moved onto the Asia portion of the park for lunch. Even for a semi-fictional version of places like Nepal, Tibet, it was very beautiful and felt authentic. Authentic enough that I wanted to wash my hands frequently as we walked around. We got to see a really cool tiger exhibit where they are actually out and about as opposed to our zoo at home, then some crazy nasty giant bats, and finally watching a few minutes of the giant Everest rollercoaster that we couldn't ride before we moved onto the Africa section of the park. Africa felt even more authentic since it was about two-thousand degrees this afternoon and we were getting sweaty and tired. We took a break and rode Rafiki's train out to the nature reserve they have set up here and got to pet some animals before we decided it was time to head back to the hotel for some rest.

On our journey back we decided to make one last side trek to Camp Minnie-Mickey to see what was happening. I'm very glad we ventured down this path as it ended up being the most entertaining part of my day. They were having character meet and greet opportunities and Cam was all excited. We decided on Minnie Mouse and got in line. Of course, as soon as we step into line Minnie had to take a break to "water the flowers". This is their wording, not mine, and I hope it was not literal. She came back after about ten minutes of watering and eventually Cam got to meet her favorite mouse. Once again, the Camryn magic kicked in, and Minnie knelt down to have a little conversation with our girl. All I could do was shake my head and laugh. And record it in pictures and video of course. We got our photo opportunity and Cam had a few last words with Minnie, complimenting her on her eyelashes, then we took our leave of the Animal Kingdom and ventured back to the hotel.

We wrapped up the evening with an excellent dinner at the hotel. We had a fancy sit-down dinner with all the fixins. It felt like we were really on vacation now! After dinner and a relaxing walk around the gorgeous lake here, we decided to toss on the trunks and hit the pool outside our room. There were very few people out, just some adults enjoying drinks by the pool, so we had the whole thing to ourselves. We just now finished our showers and have started planning our day at the Magic Kingdom tomorrow. I think Cam might actually poop herself when she sees all the princesses. She's even excited to see her favorite of the Seven Dwarfs, Fashbul :)

G'night!

Messages in Dreams

I need to write this down before I lose it forever. Part of me doesn't want to, but I know it's important, to understand my life and why we are here. I had a dream about Krissy several weeks ago. I dream vividly and often, but rarely of her since she passed away. When she died I thought that she'd come and speak to me in dreams but it hasn't worked out that way, either due to my subconscious or something else. But this time she did come and I dreamed and I should try to remember and hold onto her message, as hard as it was to hear.

As with all the dreams I've had of her since she left us, she is still sick. I know she has cancer but thankfully she looks amazing, not yet suffering and wasting away. We are in a hospital and there is some discussion of what course her treatment should take and what decisions she will make. It's very reminiscent of our visit to the University Hospital in Denver, it's probably the backdrop my brain gave to this scene. We are in a waiting room talking and she's suddenly in a hospital gown, and I've missed something, but I'm crying and attempting to convince her that no matter what the doctors say or do we will find a way to make her better. We had a discussion like this in life as well, I wanted nothing more than to instill some fight and hope in her and convince her no matter what we'll find a way to cure her. In real life we agreed to continue on, to keep up the fight, no matter how much her spirit had been broken. This time, in the dream, it was different. She held my hand, caressed my face, and told me it was ok. That it doesn't matter what we do, this was going to happen, was supposed to happen, and that it was ok. I refused to listen and cried at her, we have to try something, anything, to let me help. Again, so gently, she told me no, to let it go, and that she was ok now, that this was how it was supposed to be. She smiled so beautifully and I knew she was right.

It was at this point that I woke up, in the middle of the night, sobbing as hard as I had done in the dream. I was still mostly asleep but I remembered her voice, her touch and her presence and I missed it so badly. She hasn't visited me often in my dreams, but this was the most vivid, and I know she wanted me to understand how she felt when she died. That she was ok with it and that she had excepted this. I haven't, and can't, but I needed to hear from her that she was ok.

This has probably been the hardest thing for me to accept, that giving up her life was the answer to our prayers. Not a cure, but the end of suffering. When she was sick, I believed everyday that she would get better, and every setback was an obstacle to overcome. I never doubted her or doubted that we could do this together. So that is what hurts the most right now, and I have some guilt about it, that I believed so much and still she died. I hate thinking there was probably something else I could have tried, something I should have said, some treatment I should have made her try. But she finally told me that it doesn't matter now, she's ok and for now I have some small peace in that. I still miss her terribly, and wish she'd come to my dreams more often, but I am comforted she is with God.

Just another day right?

One year ago today my heart was broken. One year ago today, we learned that Krissy had unresectable cancer, no chance for cure, no chance for life, a sentence ending in death. They broke my wife that day, broke her spirit and her strength, left us with pieces that we picked up but could never quite fit together again. Krissy fought hard, battled demons and pain and suffering, and although it's only been five months since her death, I truly lost her that day.

I hate marking these days that should otherwise have no special importance in our lives. This day, the 28th, will mark the day we journeyed into the horrors of cancer, every day a reminder of hardship and sadness. A year ago, last night, I slept in a hospital room, in a chair at the foot of her bed, praying that the doctors would finally give my wife relief from the pain she had been suffering through the previous year. What she received instead was the worst of any outcomes we imagined.

I've tried hard not to mark every day of significance since Krissy passed away. I don't want to look at every 14th on the calendar with despair, or any other day we marked with some importance during our lives together. But I can't get past it today. Today a clock started ticking. But the clock is broken. I'm broken. The minute and hour hands move relentlessly forward, but the second hand is stuck, trying to tick forward, hindered by some underlying mechanism that will never function quite the same again.

My memories of Kris these past few months have been of better days, when she was happy, healthy, full of laughter and fire. Today I can feel the past year under my skin. Last night I dreamt I was back in that hospital room, cold, uncomfortable, listening through waking and sleep for her breathing, the beep of IV machines, shuffle of nurses. Today I'm watching them wheel her into surgery, kissing her one last time before she's taken away from me, never to return. I just can't forget what came next, the tubes, injections, sickness, uncertainty, fear, desperation, hope, determination, frustration, decent, heartbreak. The rollercoaster is just starting on it's uphill climb before lurching and hurtling down and around and upside down.

I can feel the wound that had scabbed over starting to open up again, raw, painful. I hear loss like this leaves a scar so we'll never forget. I'm not sure scar tissue is going to form on this one, this feels like it's going to bleed for a long time.

The Good Things

It's been a while since I've had the urge to write here. After Krissy's birthday, I really felt like my emotional batteries had been drained, and in a way I still feel this way. This month of October is bringing me back to the time a year ago when Krissy's health worsened and we went to the hospital for two weeks, and when we were given her terrible diagnosis. This has been a gray, numbing couple of weeks. Strangely enough though, I've found reason to be happy even to the point of questioning whether I'm in denial at the moment. I truly feel alive and thankful for the things I have in my life at the moment. Of course, these feelings bring with them guilt and longing for things I can never have again, but it's getting easier to reconcile my current life with the one I had just a year ago.

Everyday I'm overwhelmingly thankful to have such beautiful and wonderful children. My girls really keep me going, and without them this would be so much more difficult. With Cori I have seen her grow into such an astonishing young woman and I marvel at her courage every day. She reminds me of why it's important to stay positive and always think and talk about the great things Kris left us. We are able to talk about our memories of her, what she would have wanted for us, and that we have amazing lives yet to live and should treasure every day. It hurts, but it helps too. With Camryn I have the ultimate reminder of her mother and a source of such pure joy I can't imagine what life would be like without her. While her questions about mommy have gotten less frequent she still understands she is missing Krissy and that she is not coming back. However, she is just so happy and full of life, you can't help but smile and laugh in her presence. She has her mom's spunk and attitude and it gives me comfort to know a piece of Kris lives on in this wonderful little girl. Both of my daughters remind me so much of Krissy that sometimes I just have to shake my head and thank God that she left me with such beautiful reminders.

As unlikely as I had thought it would be five months ago, life has indeed continued on for my family. I have such tremendous support from my family and we enjoy all of the time we spend together. Dinner every night, football games on Sunday, weekends out... I feel we've been therapeutic for each other without really knowing it was happening. I can almost talk about those painful days without crying. Almost! I think we're all at roughly the same point in our healing process and I know I wouldn't feel as good and as healthy as I do right now without their presence. The same can be said of my close friends, all of whom have just let me be myself and have given me open ended love and support throughout. I also know I will never, ever, starve as long as the girls at work are keeping an eye on me.

I've been trying to figure out what I've learned from all of this. From the heartbreak of Krissy's diagnosis, the fear and uncertainty of helping her heal and cope with the horrible affects of cancer, the hope of recovery and trying to stay so positive for her, then the sudden and crushing acknowledgement that her life was ending. I learned in some ways I'm much stronger than I expected myself to be, and in other ways just how helpless and uncertain I feel. I learned how to take better care of our health, but it's been difficult to stay on the rigid track we attempted while Krissy was undergoing treatments. I learned people are capable of amazing love and generosity in ways I could never expect. I think the most important thing I've learned over this past year is that no matter how much it hurts, or how much sadness you endure, there will always be good things in your life and they must be acknowledged and nurtured. I'd be an absolute fool to ignore or neglect the positive people and events in my life simply because I have sadness and grief over losing the love of my life. We have to laugh, we have to play, we have to live. Krissy wouldn't have wanted it any other way.