Praying for Peace

Time seems to have slowed to a crawl now. Krissy is back into a deep sleep, much as she has been for most of the day today, and now we just pray for God to take her peacefully in her sleep.

There's not much new to say about her medical condition that I haven't said already. Her kidneys have completely failed and she's retaining large quantities of fluid. Her liver functions are very compromised and soon it will fail also. Next will be the lungs as they fill with the fluid her body can't expel. My hope is that God calls her before this happens, as she will go more peacefully this way.

After a very restless night of sleep, Kris was again very alert this morning and wanting to talk. It wasn't exactly a talk I wanted to have, as we discussed the accounts and bills that need to be taken care of, and access to her personal email and social network accounts so I can manage them. Morbid stuff but it's got to be done. She also spoke with the doctors and we have decided on a DNR. Should she pass away she does not want to be brought back through chest compressions or intubation. She made the right decision, this suffering is not something she should be forced to endure any longer. We didn't talk for much longer afterwards, she quickly tired and fell back to sleep. I haven't had a chance to have another conversation with her since. I fear that I may have had my last real exchange with her and it's far from the last words I wish I could speak to her.

Despite the constant sadness and worry of today, there were still opportunities for smiling, reflecting and even laughter. Krissy told me something I will never forget this afternoon. I've been asking her some pretty metaphysical questions about her journey towards Heaven, and she's been brave enough to answer me. Today I was quietly talking to her as she slept and she suddenly awakened. When Kris is awake her eyes are unfocused and she does not seem to see you, even if she acknowledges your presence. It's almost as if she is seeing past this world of hurt and through to a place of peace. I wanted to know if this is what she was experiencing and asked her to tell me what she could see. After a pause, she said "I see the ceiling." I had to laugh, not just at her response but at my expectations as well. She smiled slightly and then drifted back off to sleep.

This was the last I saw of my old Krissy today. I think it may be the last I ever see of her and it hurts. Yesterday I said I was not ready to let her go. After seeing this slow process of her body shutting down and the toll it's taken on her, I am at peace with her leaving this world and ascending to Heaven. She deserves it and should not have to suffer any more. I feel awful about wishing my wife could pass away but this is not an existence anyone should have to endure.

Tonight will be a long night. I'm exhausted in every way imaginable and don't think I'll be able to sleep as I watch my wife slowly slip away from me with every minute that passes. My heart has ached, physically, all day and I don't know if it will ever stop. I miss her already and she's not even gone so I don't know how it will feel when she has truly left me. I know I will find out soon.