From the Ashes

The Phoenix. Born from fire only to die and rise again from its own ashes. It's a mythological symbol of rebirth and renewal, and a personal one as well. How so? I'm glad you asked! But let's start at the beginning.

The image above is a tattoo I designed for Krissy about six years ago. It's the first tattoo I've ever drawn, and after she was brave enough to have it inked on her lower back, was the first of two tattoos I drew to make their permanent home on Krissy's body. This history of how this particular tattoo came to be is a bit funny, but perfectly fitting if you know anything about Kris and I.

I suppose I should backtrack a bit. This was actually the second tattoo that Kris asked me to design, but the first one that we both decided was good enough for ink. Long before we started dating, she asked me to design something circular to go around her belly button, to hide an old piercing scar. I came up with something that looked like a ring entangled with vines with leaves radiating out from the center. She liked it, but decided it would hurt too damn much with all the detail I put in, so we scrapped it. Fast forward to about six months after we started dating and Kris decides she wants to me to design something for her lower back. Being the comic book geek I am, I had been reading X-Men and she happened to catch a panel of Jean Grey as the Dark Phoenix. The character has a stylized phoenix symbol on her chest and is usually drawn in dramatic fashion, surrounded by flames that also appear to be in the form of a phoenix behind her. Something about it grabbed Kris and she asked me to come up with a design based on this character. I, of course, was ecstatic she was appreciating my beloved art form so I jumped on it. It took me about three months, and probably six drafts, but I finally came up with the design above. She and I walked to Holy Rollers one evening after work to make it permanent. I was still amazed that she liked my artwork enough to actually tattoo it on her, and was totally in love with her fearlessness. Even after several years of seeing the phoenix on her body, I would shake my head and smile, still a little in disbelief that she could really want something I drew on her body forever. The chick had to be crazy!

Krissy always had a way of adding importance to things in life and this was the same for her tattoos. Her lion came to symbolize her ferocity and protection of our children, and after Cori was born became a sigil of her baby girl as well. Her zodiac, while obviously displaying her astrological sign, was a permanent connection to her sister and a reminder of how close they would always be. The phoenix also took on new meaning, but unfortunately it wasn't until after she was diagnosed with cancer that we looked to its symbolism to provide some hope and understanding of her new existence. While asking the whys and hows this could possibly be happening, we fought to find hope and faith to see her through the difficult healing period after her surgery so we could begin cancer treatments. In a moment of despair, while reaching for hope, we started talking about the things she could find strength in. She touched her back and that moment the tattoo took on new meaning, and she decided that she had it tattooed for another reason and that was to show she would not give up and would rise again after having fallen so low emotionally. She would be the phoenix and I believe it gave her a shot of strength when we were looking for anything to lift the darkness. I really latched onto that thinking and would remind her of it many times as we journeyed through her treatments together.

After Krissy passed away and I gathered around me the things that reminded me of her, I came back to this drawing several times. At first with anger, that she didn't rise and prevail, that she only smoldered and faded away, and it pissed me off that it didn't make a difference in the end. Then I'd alternate between sadness and happiness as I conjured up the memories of drawing it for her and the tattooing and all the times I'd seen it on her in the past. And now, for the past few weeks, I'd just look at it, set it aside, take it out and look at it again. The symbolism was still not lost on me. Despite being born from the panel of a comic book and rising from my love and desire to create something special for Krissy, I felt like it just wasn't ready to die amongst the cold ashes just yet.


So this Friday I took the phoenix out of my sketchbook for the last time and went back to Holy Rollers to complete the cycle. Sorry about the crappy pic, those self-taken shots in the mirror never turn out well. It is my first tattoo, and really didn't hurt at all. It seems to be healing nicely and I'm looking forward to taking off this surgical bandage covering it up. I had no doubts about getting this tattoo. It will be my personal memorial to Krissy and a constant reminder of her love and trust. I will carry it with me forever, a permanent symbol now with more meanings than I could have ever foreseen when I first put pencil to paper.

Krissy may have fallen, but I will carry her spirit on with me, up from the fire and born again in me. She will always be my phoenix.

State of Me

Hello! Welcome to Brain of F, my little corner of the blogosphere and home to the random thoughts that will occasionally spill from my head. I'm a 33 year old father of two wonderful girls, self-proclaimed geek and recent widower. Yeah, still getting used to that last part. Never in my wildest imaginings did I picture this to be my life, but here we are, so I suppose I should honestly state what and who I am from this day forward even though it's truly painful to accept.

Wow, that was a downer right? So how exactly am I doing? I've been asked this quite a bit lately. This week will mark the second month since Krissy passed away (on a side note, I still can't bring myself to say she died. Bugs die, plants die, but my Kris faded away from me) and I honestly think I'm doing "ok". What that truly means is a bit more complicated, but as I see it I've done ok with my day-to-day life since she's been gone. I've squared away our finances and feel pretty comfortable that we can pay our bills and still goof around once in a while. I've wrapped up much of the estate and medical chores that needed to be handled and really just have a few loose ends left. I'm back to work and probably 90% functional and I recognize that I still can't fully focus on my job even if I totally avoid the aisle she sat in for so long. But I feel I'll be full speed again relatively soon. I don't feel completely depressed about what has happened. At any given time I'm still very sad, angry, confused or guilt ridden, but it's not consuming me. As unlikely as I thought it would be at this point in time, I have a lot of happiness and fulfillment, mainly about what the future may hold and that I have such beautiful daughters to spend it with. They truly keep me going every day and things might be much darker if it weren't for their amazing spirits. Ironically I'm kinda balling as I write this but I guess that's how therapy works.

One thing I see, feel and try to cope with every day is the vast void the lack of her presence has left in my life. It's tangible and physical, I literally feel the emptiness in the wake of her loss. The house is quieter. The car rides are longer. The bed is colder. She was such a vivacious presence in my life and now there are gaping holes where she used to stand, laugh, kiss and breathe. This what is hardest to accept right now, that those holes will never be filled again. When I was asked if I would be alright living in the house we shared for five years, I immediately knew I would. Obviously, this home is a constant reminder of the time we shared but I wouldn't let that go for anything. I need the reminder when I wake up each morning and when I talk to my kids about who she was. It's good to have this home and know we created it together, and even though she is gone it will continue to be a good place for us to live.

However, I have noticed one negative change in myself. Maybe negative is to harsh, but I don't like this feeling. I feel like the creativity has been sucked out of me. This is one reason why I haven't written here in so long, I just couldn't find the words. I've decided that I want to design her headstone. As difficult as it has been, I feel that it's just something I have to do. The clipart they offer through the memorial shops just isn't going to cut it for my wife, I don't feel that I'd be honoring her by slapping on the same border and floral pattern that I see on every other headstone at the cemetary. I have the idea for it in my head but I'm having a hell of a time getting it onto paper. I put the pencil down and it's not moving the way it used to. I never thought of it before but I suppose Kris really was my muse. Pretty much everything creative I've done in the past decade has come from her or been for her. Without her voice and encourage I feel a bit lost. I think it will come back to me in time and I suppose it will have to if I'm to feel good about designing this memorial. Hopefully in the coming weeks I can preview what I've been working on for you.

So now life goes on. As I get my legs back I'm slowly catching up on the things I've been neglecting around me. Like housework. It sucks but someone's gotta clean those toilets. I have a gigantic pile of thank you cards that need to go out and I think I'm finally ready to start on them. I've started working on some systems to keep me organized as I take on all of the things that Kris used to do for me. Organization has always been a dirty word and she was so amazing at it. But I'm getting a handle on stuff like our budget, Cori's schooling, doctors appointments and keeping track of our busy lives. Being a single parent is a ton of work but I have so much help that I'm not worrying if I can do it any more. To be cliche, I'm taking things one day at a time. I really can't plan more than five days out anyway so it works for me.

I am so very thankful to everyone that has supported me these past eight months, from family to friends to people I have never met, you have all been so incredible to me and my family. I know I don't have to, but I'll get around to thanking every one of you.

I think this post means I'm back to blogging. Probably not as frequently as I'd like but I'll keep writing if you want to keep reading. I think the site is ready for a redesign. Change, as I'm finding, is about renewal and there are many things in my life that are ready to change and grow with new purpose. I'll have more to say about this soon.

G'night!