State of Me

Hello! Welcome to Brain of F, my little corner of the blogosphere and home to the random thoughts that will occasionally spill from my head. I'm a 33 year old father of two wonderful girls, self-proclaimed geek and recent widower. Yeah, still getting used to that last part. Never in my wildest imaginings did I picture this to be my life, but here we are, so I suppose I should honestly state what and who I am from this day forward even though it's truly painful to accept.

Wow, that was a downer right? So how exactly am I doing? I've been asked this quite a bit lately. This week will mark the second month since Krissy passed away (on a side note, I still can't bring myself to say she died. Bugs die, plants die, but my Kris faded away from me) and I honestly think I'm doing "ok". What that truly means is a bit more complicated, but as I see it I've done ok with my day-to-day life since she's been gone. I've squared away our finances and feel pretty comfortable that we can pay our bills and still goof around once in a while. I've wrapped up much of the estate and medical chores that needed to be handled and really just have a few loose ends left. I'm back to work and probably 90% functional and I recognize that I still can't fully focus on my job even if I totally avoid the aisle she sat in for so long. But I feel I'll be full speed again relatively soon. I don't feel completely depressed about what has happened. At any given time I'm still very sad, angry, confused or guilt ridden, but it's not consuming me. As unlikely as I thought it would be at this point in time, I have a lot of happiness and fulfillment, mainly about what the future may hold and that I have such beautiful daughters to spend it with. They truly keep me going every day and things might be much darker if it weren't for their amazing spirits. Ironically I'm kinda balling as I write this but I guess that's how therapy works.

One thing I see, feel and try to cope with every day is the vast void the lack of her presence has left in my life. It's tangible and physical, I literally feel the emptiness in the wake of her loss. The house is quieter. The car rides are longer. The bed is colder. She was such a vivacious presence in my life and now there are gaping holes where she used to stand, laugh, kiss and breathe. This what is hardest to accept right now, that those holes will never be filled again. When I was asked if I would be alright living in the house we shared for five years, I immediately knew I would. Obviously, this home is a constant reminder of the time we shared but I wouldn't let that go for anything. I need the reminder when I wake up each morning and when I talk to my kids about who she was. It's good to have this home and know we created it together, and even though she is gone it will continue to be a good place for us to live.

However, I have noticed one negative change in myself. Maybe negative is to harsh, but I don't like this feeling. I feel like the creativity has been sucked out of me. This is one reason why I haven't written here in so long, I just couldn't find the words. I've decided that I want to design her headstone. As difficult as it has been, I feel that it's just something I have to do. The clipart they offer through the memorial shops just isn't going to cut it for my wife, I don't feel that I'd be honoring her by slapping on the same border and floral pattern that I see on every other headstone at the cemetary. I have the idea for it in my head but I'm having a hell of a time getting it onto paper. I put the pencil down and it's not moving the way it used to. I never thought of it before but I suppose Kris really was my muse. Pretty much everything creative I've done in the past decade has come from her or been for her. Without her voice and encourage I feel a bit lost. I think it will come back to me in time and I suppose it will have to if I'm to feel good about designing this memorial. Hopefully in the coming weeks I can preview what I've been working on for you.

So now life goes on. As I get my legs back I'm slowly catching up on the things I've been neglecting around me. Like housework. It sucks but someone's gotta clean those toilets. I have a gigantic pile of thank you cards that need to go out and I think I'm finally ready to start on them. I've started working on some systems to keep me organized as I take on all of the things that Kris used to do for me. Organization has always been a dirty word and she was so amazing at it. But I'm getting a handle on stuff like our budget, Cori's schooling, doctors appointments and keeping track of our busy lives. Being a single parent is a ton of work but I have so much help that I'm not worrying if I can do it any more. To be cliche, I'm taking things one day at a time. I really can't plan more than five days out anyway so it works for me.

I am so very thankful to everyone that has supported me these past eight months, from family to friends to people I have never met, you have all been so incredible to me and my family. I know I don't have to, but I'll get around to thanking every one of you.

I think this post means I'm back to blogging. Probably not as frequently as I'd like but I'll keep writing if you want to keep reading. I think the site is ready for a redesign. Change, as I'm finding, is about renewal and there are many things in my life that are ready to change and grow with new purpose. I'll have more to say about this soon.

G'night!