Just another day right?

One year ago today my heart was broken. One year ago today, we learned that Krissy had unresectable cancer, no chance for cure, no chance for life, a sentence ending in death. They broke my wife that day, broke her spirit and her strength, left us with pieces that we picked up but could never quite fit together again. Krissy fought hard, battled demons and pain and suffering, and although it's only been five months since her death, I truly lost her that day.

I hate marking these days that should otherwise have no special importance in our lives. This day, the 28th, will mark the day we journeyed into the horrors of cancer, every day a reminder of hardship and sadness. A year ago, last night, I slept in a hospital room, in a chair at the foot of her bed, praying that the doctors would finally give my wife relief from the pain she had been suffering through the previous year. What she received instead was the worst of any outcomes we imagined.

I've tried hard not to mark every day of significance since Krissy passed away. I don't want to look at every 14th on the calendar with despair, or any other day we marked with some importance during our lives together. But I can't get past it today. Today a clock started ticking. But the clock is broken. I'm broken. The minute and hour hands move relentlessly forward, but the second hand is stuck, trying to tick forward, hindered by some underlying mechanism that will never function quite the same again.

My memories of Kris these past few months have been of better days, when she was happy, healthy, full of laughter and fire. Today I can feel the past year under my skin. Last night I dreamt I was back in that hospital room, cold, uncomfortable, listening through waking and sleep for her breathing, the beep of IV machines, shuffle of nurses. Today I'm watching them wheel her into surgery, kissing her one last time before she's taken away from me, never to return. I just can't forget what came next, the tubes, injections, sickness, uncertainty, fear, desperation, hope, determination, frustration, decent, heartbreak. The rollercoaster is just starting on it's uphill climb before lurching and hurtling down and around and upside down.

I can feel the wound that had scabbed over starting to open up again, raw, painful. I hear loss like this leaves a scar so we'll never forget. I'm not sure scar tissue is going to form on this one, this feels like it's going to bleed for a long time.

The Good Things

It's been a while since I've had the urge to write here. After Krissy's birthday, I really felt like my emotional batteries had been drained, and in a way I still feel this way. This month of October is bringing me back to the time a year ago when Krissy's health worsened and we went to the hospital for two weeks, and when we were given her terrible diagnosis. This has been a gray, numbing couple of weeks. Strangely enough though, I've found reason to be happy even to the point of questioning whether I'm in denial at the moment. I truly feel alive and thankful for the things I have in my life at the moment. Of course, these feelings bring with them guilt and longing for things I can never have again, but it's getting easier to reconcile my current life with the one I had just a year ago.

Everyday I'm overwhelmingly thankful to have such beautiful and wonderful children. My girls really keep me going, and without them this would be so much more difficult. With Cori I have seen her grow into such an astonishing young woman and I marvel at her courage every day. She reminds me of why it's important to stay positive and always think and talk about the great things Kris left us. We are able to talk about our memories of her, what she would have wanted for us, and that we have amazing lives yet to live and should treasure every day. It hurts, but it helps too. With Camryn I have the ultimate reminder of her mother and a source of such pure joy I can't imagine what life would be like without her. While her questions about mommy have gotten less frequent she still understands she is missing Krissy and that she is not coming back. However, she is just so happy and full of life, you can't help but smile and laugh in her presence. She has her mom's spunk and attitude and it gives me comfort to know a piece of Kris lives on in this wonderful little girl. Both of my daughters remind me so much of Krissy that sometimes I just have to shake my head and thank God that she left me with such beautiful reminders.

As unlikely as I had thought it would be five months ago, life has indeed continued on for my family. I have such tremendous support from my family and we enjoy all of the time we spend together. Dinner every night, football games on Sunday, weekends out... I feel we've been therapeutic for each other without really knowing it was happening. I can almost talk about those painful days without crying. Almost! I think we're all at roughly the same point in our healing process and I know I wouldn't feel as good and as healthy as I do right now without their presence. The same can be said of my close friends, all of whom have just let me be myself and have given me open ended love and support throughout. I also know I will never, ever, starve as long as the girls at work are keeping an eye on me.

I've been trying to figure out what I've learned from all of this. From the heartbreak of Krissy's diagnosis, the fear and uncertainty of helping her heal and cope with the horrible affects of cancer, the hope of recovery and trying to stay so positive for her, then the sudden and crushing acknowledgement that her life was ending. I learned in some ways I'm much stronger than I expected myself to be, and in other ways just how helpless and uncertain I feel. I learned how to take better care of our health, but it's been difficult to stay on the rigid track we attempted while Krissy was undergoing treatments. I learned people are capable of amazing love and generosity in ways I could never expect. I think the most important thing I've learned over this past year is that no matter how much it hurts, or how much sadness you endure, there will always be good things in your life and they must be acknowledged and nurtured. I'd be an absolute fool to ignore or neglect the positive people and events in my life simply because I have sadness and grief over losing the love of my life. We have to laugh, we have to play, we have to live. Krissy wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Birthday Wish

I haven't written to you for some time now, simply because it has hurt too much to do so. But on this day, a day I wanted so much to celebrate with you, I have to tell you that I miss you. So, so much. I walked in the shade of your brilliance for so long, grew so accustomed to your light and energy leading and protecting me, that this vacuum you left behind is sometimes too much to bear. Sometimes I have no idea where I am going without you beside me. So many times now I have simply wanted to talk to you, to hold you, to laugh with you. I can never do these things again. Your headstone is the final, physical reminder that your life with me has ended and I will have to carry on without you. It's still surreal and unfathomable to me, to know I have a full life ahead of me and I won't be enjoying it with you.

I drove into the mountains this weekend to be with my friends and attempt to enjoy a last weekend of summer before the fall comes to remind me of this past year of pain and sorrow. I thought of you the entire time as I wound around those roads we traveled together just nine months ago. I felt so much promise then, so much hope, that we could beat this thing and you would be a success story. I thought it would happen, I truly did, but in the end this was God's plan for you and I struggle every day to accept it. I saw you in every ray of sunshine this weekend and spoke to you in the dark as I stared into the embers of the campfire. I didn't find any answers but I found memories I had forgotten and will continue to savor and reflect on the great times we spent together.

If you made your peace with God before the end and accepted your fate, I will continue to do the same, even though it will never ease my hurt to not have you here with our children. Already they are changing and growing in your absence. Camryn told me that it's time for you to come down from Heaven already. She understands you have left us and soon will understand just how permanent it is. Coral is confused and angry and we are all trying out best to lead her through this to some understanding of why her mother is gone. I think they will be ok, but it's not going to be easy, not ever. I just continue to teach them how much you loved them and how important it is to lead lives you would be proud of.

I'm finding solace in simple things now. Butterflies have become your avatar and we see them constantly, in the most unlikely places. They flutter up to Josh in the welding shop. They flash across our paths in the cemetery, in the car, at work, everywhere. Jen has given us three butterflies to raise and release in your memory and I can't wait to see them spread their wings and fly away on the currents of your spirit. They are children of summer and so perfectly reflect the path of your life: born, beautiful, carefree, living quickly and furiously, and then gone from the world all too quickly. I will always see you in the beautiful colors of their wings.

As I finish writing these words it is no longer your birthday, but this was the only gift I could give you. We may have started a new tradition tonight, a small gathering in your honor, choosing to relish your memory for one day rather than mourning it. I drank to you, and polished off a few of your favorite amaretto sours, even if they were a bit too sweet for my taste. You always loved that drink. Even if I couldn't spend today with you I would spend today for you, and I think we all did it in our own fashion. Cori sent balloons to you and Cam wants them back. Happy birthday my love.

Permanence

After many weeks of artist's block, hand wringing, coordinating with the memorial folks and then just plain ol' waiting, Krissy's headstone is finally complete and residing over our plots. I must say, that even after drawing it out and seeing the comp images of the design, I wasn't quite prepared to see it cut forever into stone. It's fitting, and in its own way reminds me of Krissy. Like my beautiful wife, it stands out amongst the gray and black of the cemetary, you really can't miss it when you pull into our section. I always said you could never miss Krissy in a crowd, even at 5'. I'm very happy with the work that Spence Memorial did for us, they were extremely helpful every step of the way and put up with my constant badgering over email and inexperience with a design like this.

For those interested in the details, the stone is a blue pearl granite, imported from Asia, and really has to be seen in the sunlight to catch all the beautiful facets and colors it contains. I hand picked and hand drew everything for this, and I really couldn't see myself doing anything else for my wife. I truly wanted to give her an everlasting memorial, and adorned it with images from both our lives. The center design is a celtic knot I drew for her that ended up as a tattoo on her wrist. As with the phoenix, she assigned great meaning to this tattoo also, turning it upside down from my original drawing and discovering it was really a heart, with three points for the loves in her life, the girls and myself. I knew as soon as I decided to design the headstone that I would be using this as the centerpiece. The continuation of the border ends up in scroll work that I wanted to represent waves, of the ocean between us right now, but eventually they will meet and retreat together to somewhere new and wonderful. I'm not sure I pulled it off but as an overall design for the stone I'm pretty satisfied with how it looks. My only intention was to honor my wife and to create something unique as an everlasting memorial to her, to show my love and my heartbreak. I hope she likes it.

It's also strange just how permanent and final the stone makes everything feel. I told a friend the other day that now it feels like the final piece of putting her to rest is in place, and it's a strange feeling. I do feel better about visiting her at the cemetery now that it's there though. Something to focus on, something solid. I hope others can visit her now and feel a bit more at peace.

Always Among Us

She was there. I had expected her to be watching that day, a day she had looked so forward to in life, but I wasn't prepared to see her. Amid the late afternoon sunlight, on that beautiful lawn as Eric and Larissa recited their vows, Krissy was there. Just before the candles were lit in honor of those lost, Krissy, Aunt Louisa and Larissa's father, she showed us that she was still here with us and watching on this most wonderful day. A butterfly, beautiful and graceful, fluttered directly before us and then sailed away to take shelter in the shade. Every one of us saw it and immediately knew, this was Krissy making her presence known and blessing this day for her beloved cousins. I still can't properly describe the affect this had on me. Equal parts joy, sorrow and longing coursed through me at that moment but more than anything I was so thankful she gave us this sign that she is watching over all of us.

Those five days in Michigan for Eric and Larissa's wedding were a welcome distraction from the past few months of turmoil. We had an amazing stay with the Evenhouses, their hospitality was so incredible. I truly felt at ease there and had not had a chance to really relax my mind and body until then. I still feel a little bad that we had nice rooms and beds while the bride and groom were sleeping in campers and floors, but everything seemed to work out just fine.

The kids also seemed to let their hair down a bit and really enjoy this trip. From their first airplane ride, to their first swim in Lake Michigan, to dancing and laughing at the reception, it was such a blessing to see both girls get a chance to be kids again. I really enjoyed watching them playing with such abandon. I even dragged this white pasty body into the water with them and only paid for it with a mild sunburn.

I feel like I should say thank you to Eric and Richie's father, (Uncle) Rich, for taking the time to talk with me and really making me feel welcome with his family and for also being a mentor to me as I continue to struggle with Krissy's loss. Uncle Rich was married to Krissy's Aunt Louisa, who was also lost to cancer far too young, and was left with two young boys and an uncertain future ahead of him. Everything seemed to turn out just fine and it gives me hope for my own journey. He's an amazing man, with two amazing sons, and an inspiration to me whether he knows it or not. He's also damn funny, I can absolutely see where the boys get their sense of humor from. Uncle Rich, thank you.

The highlight of the weekend was obviously the wedding. Eric and Larissa are just two outstanding people, obviously crazy about each other, and obviously perfect for each other. The ceremony was touching, the setting was breathtaking, and the reception was a blast. I've got plenty of incriminating pictures to prove it too.

I was so happy when I learned Eric proposed to her after Krissy's benefit auction this past January and Krissy was ecstatic. She wanted so badly to make it to this wedding. I felt I carried her with me, imagining her out on the dance floor or laughing so hard as she always did around the boys. I made sure I drank in every detail and enjoyed as much as I could, so I could live this for the both of us. I turns out I didn't have to try to so hard. It turns out she was with us after all.

From the Ashes

The Phoenix. Born from fire only to die and rise again from its own ashes. It's a mythological symbol of rebirth and renewal, and a personal one as well. How so? I'm glad you asked! But let's start at the beginning.

The image above is a tattoo I designed for Krissy about six years ago. It's the first tattoo I've ever drawn, and after she was brave enough to have it inked on her lower back, was the first of two tattoos I drew to make their permanent home on Krissy's body. This history of how this particular tattoo came to be is a bit funny, but perfectly fitting if you know anything about Kris and I.

I suppose I should backtrack a bit. This was actually the second tattoo that Kris asked me to design, but the first one that we both decided was good enough for ink. Long before we started dating, she asked me to design something circular to go around her belly button, to hide an old piercing scar. I came up with something that looked like a ring entangled with vines with leaves radiating out from the center. She liked it, but decided it would hurt too damn much with all the detail I put in, so we scrapped it. Fast forward to about six months after we started dating and Kris decides she wants to me to design something for her lower back. Being the comic book geek I am, I had been reading X-Men and she happened to catch a panel of Jean Grey as the Dark Phoenix. The character has a stylized phoenix symbol on her chest and is usually drawn in dramatic fashion, surrounded by flames that also appear to be in the form of a phoenix behind her. Something about it grabbed Kris and she asked me to come up with a design based on this character. I, of course, was ecstatic she was appreciating my beloved art form so I jumped on it. It took me about three months, and probably six drafts, but I finally came up with the design above. She and I walked to Holy Rollers one evening after work to make it permanent. I was still amazed that she liked my artwork enough to actually tattoo it on her, and was totally in love with her fearlessness. Even after several years of seeing the phoenix on her body, I would shake my head and smile, still a little in disbelief that she could really want something I drew on her body forever. The chick had to be crazy!

Krissy always had a way of adding importance to things in life and this was the same for her tattoos. Her lion came to symbolize her ferocity and protection of our children, and after Cori was born became a sigil of her baby girl as well. Her zodiac, while obviously displaying her astrological sign, was a permanent connection to her sister and a reminder of how close they would always be. The phoenix also took on new meaning, but unfortunately it wasn't until after she was diagnosed with cancer that we looked to its symbolism to provide some hope and understanding of her new existence. While asking the whys and hows this could possibly be happening, we fought to find hope and faith to see her through the difficult healing period after her surgery so we could begin cancer treatments. In a moment of despair, while reaching for hope, we started talking about the things she could find strength in. She touched her back and that moment the tattoo took on new meaning, and she decided that she had it tattooed for another reason and that was to show she would not give up and would rise again after having fallen so low emotionally. She would be the phoenix and I believe it gave her a shot of strength when we were looking for anything to lift the darkness. I really latched onto that thinking and would remind her of it many times as we journeyed through her treatments together.

After Krissy passed away and I gathered around me the things that reminded me of her, I came back to this drawing several times. At first with anger, that she didn't rise and prevail, that she only smoldered and faded away, and it pissed me off that it didn't make a difference in the end. Then I'd alternate between sadness and happiness as I conjured up the memories of drawing it for her and the tattooing and all the times I'd seen it on her in the past. And now, for the past few weeks, I'd just look at it, set it aside, take it out and look at it again. The symbolism was still not lost on me. Despite being born from the panel of a comic book and rising from my love and desire to create something special for Krissy, I felt like it just wasn't ready to die amongst the cold ashes just yet.


So this Friday I took the phoenix out of my sketchbook for the last time and went back to Holy Rollers to complete the cycle. Sorry about the crappy pic, those self-taken shots in the mirror never turn out well. It is my first tattoo, and really didn't hurt at all. It seems to be healing nicely and I'm looking forward to taking off this surgical bandage covering it up. I had no doubts about getting this tattoo. It will be my personal memorial to Krissy and a constant reminder of her love and trust. I will carry it with me forever, a permanent symbol now with more meanings than I could have ever foreseen when I first put pencil to paper.

Krissy may have fallen, but I will carry her spirit on with me, up from the fire and born again in me. She will always be my phoenix.

State of Me

Hello! Welcome to Brain of F, my little corner of the blogosphere and home to the random thoughts that will occasionally spill from my head. I'm a 33 year old father of two wonderful girls, self-proclaimed geek and recent widower. Yeah, still getting used to that last part. Never in my wildest imaginings did I picture this to be my life, but here we are, so I suppose I should honestly state what and who I am from this day forward even though it's truly painful to accept.

Wow, that was a downer right? So how exactly am I doing? I've been asked this quite a bit lately. This week will mark the second month since Krissy passed away (on a side note, I still can't bring myself to say she died. Bugs die, plants die, but my Kris faded away from me) and I honestly think I'm doing "ok". What that truly means is a bit more complicated, but as I see it I've done ok with my day-to-day life since she's been gone. I've squared away our finances and feel pretty comfortable that we can pay our bills and still goof around once in a while. I've wrapped up much of the estate and medical chores that needed to be handled and really just have a few loose ends left. I'm back to work and probably 90% functional and I recognize that I still can't fully focus on my job even if I totally avoid the aisle she sat in for so long. But I feel I'll be full speed again relatively soon. I don't feel completely depressed about what has happened. At any given time I'm still very sad, angry, confused or guilt ridden, but it's not consuming me. As unlikely as I thought it would be at this point in time, I have a lot of happiness and fulfillment, mainly about what the future may hold and that I have such beautiful daughters to spend it with. They truly keep me going every day and things might be much darker if it weren't for their amazing spirits. Ironically I'm kinda balling as I write this but I guess that's how therapy works.

One thing I see, feel and try to cope with every day is the vast void the lack of her presence has left in my life. It's tangible and physical, I literally feel the emptiness in the wake of her loss. The house is quieter. The car rides are longer. The bed is colder. She was such a vivacious presence in my life and now there are gaping holes where she used to stand, laugh, kiss and breathe. This what is hardest to accept right now, that those holes will never be filled again. When I was asked if I would be alright living in the house we shared for five years, I immediately knew I would. Obviously, this home is a constant reminder of the time we shared but I wouldn't let that go for anything. I need the reminder when I wake up each morning and when I talk to my kids about who she was. It's good to have this home and know we created it together, and even though she is gone it will continue to be a good place for us to live.

However, I have noticed one negative change in myself. Maybe negative is to harsh, but I don't like this feeling. I feel like the creativity has been sucked out of me. This is one reason why I haven't written here in so long, I just couldn't find the words. I've decided that I want to design her headstone. As difficult as it has been, I feel that it's just something I have to do. The clipart they offer through the memorial shops just isn't going to cut it for my wife, I don't feel that I'd be honoring her by slapping on the same border and floral pattern that I see on every other headstone at the cemetary. I have the idea for it in my head but I'm having a hell of a time getting it onto paper. I put the pencil down and it's not moving the way it used to. I never thought of it before but I suppose Kris really was my muse. Pretty much everything creative I've done in the past decade has come from her or been for her. Without her voice and encourage I feel a bit lost. I think it will come back to me in time and I suppose it will have to if I'm to feel good about designing this memorial. Hopefully in the coming weeks I can preview what I've been working on for you.

So now life goes on. As I get my legs back I'm slowly catching up on the things I've been neglecting around me. Like housework. It sucks but someone's gotta clean those toilets. I have a gigantic pile of thank you cards that need to go out and I think I'm finally ready to start on them. I've started working on some systems to keep me organized as I take on all of the things that Kris used to do for me. Organization has always been a dirty word and she was so amazing at it. But I'm getting a handle on stuff like our budget, Cori's schooling, doctors appointments and keeping track of our busy lives. Being a single parent is a ton of work but I have so much help that I'm not worrying if I can do it any more. To be cliche, I'm taking things one day at a time. I really can't plan more than five days out anyway so it works for me.

I am so very thankful to everyone that has supported me these past eight months, from family to friends to people I have never met, you have all been so incredible to me and my family. I know I don't have to, but I'll get around to thanking every one of you.

I think this post means I'm back to blogging. Probably not as frequently as I'd like but I'll keep writing if you want to keep reading. I think the site is ready for a redesign. Change, as I'm finding, is about renewal and there are many things in my life that are ready to change and grow with new purpose. I'll have more to say about this soon.

G'night!

Krissy's Eulogy

I've been told many times since Krissy's funeral how impressed people were with our cousin Elly's reading of the eulogy. Personally, I felt that Elly was the perfect person to read for Krissy. Not only does she have an excellent sense of humor, she displayed such poise and confidence that she gave every word the reverence Krissy deserved. Krissy always had such a deep love and respect for Elly, I'm certain she would have loved her reading as well. So here it is, one last time, for those of you who either couldn't attend the funeral or would like to cherish her memory one more time. Thank you to Elly and Cesa for allowing me to post the eulogy in it's entirety.

Kristen Sanchez-Lanza

Sunrise: September 20, 1974 Sunset: May 14, 2010

Family and friends, it’s an honor for me to share this tribute and celebration of Kristen Sanchez-Lanza.

Krissy, or Kristen Antonia, as she was called when she was in trouble, used to say she got her height from the Sanchez side. Now, to some this would seem a paradox given she was small in stature; but, on the contrary, what she meant was she was proud of her heritage, and of course, to be associated with other wonderful short people in the family.

When Krissy was born, Uncle Bennie and Aunt Debi knew they would have their hands full. Krissy wasn’t just adorable, she was also very determined and independent. At four years old, with the longest eyelashes covering her little glasses like tiny windshield wipers, Krissy would sit and watch her favorite T.V. show, Mr. Rogers. One day while watching an episode, Aunt Debi came downstairs to check on her. She saw Krissy sitting quietly but knew something was out of place. She looked closer and noticed Krissy’s new hairdo. “Kristen Antonia!” Aunt Debi exclaimed. “Why did you cut your bangs so short?” In a matter of fact way, Krissy replied, “’Cause I couldn’t see Mr. Rogers.”

And, as things go, more antics would follow. Over the years, there were many times Krissy spent with cousins and friends laughing ‘til the wee hours of the morning, taking trips to San Acacio to stay with her Nana and Papa during spring break and summer, dancing it up anytime she had a chance; and THEN, there were BOYS. Just what Uncle Bennie was looking forward to—barring up the windows and late night surveillance missions. I’m sure Krissy wasn’t the only one that left a lasting impression!

As we all know, life has its ups and downs and regardless of the challenges, Krissy moved through life with purpose. Not too long ago she told me that had it not been for all her experiences, she would have missed out on the best things in her life—her husband Frank, and precious girls, Cori and Camryn. Fiercely loyal and devoted to her family, Krissy always protected those close to her. She always looked after Cesa and her cousins in a thoughtful, caring, and protective manner; and, if Krissy befriended you, you knew you had someone who would always have your back. You could also bet that if she was going to do something, Krissy always put her heart and soul in it. Cesa says it was almost as if Krissy knew all along she needed to make each and every moment count.

Recently, her Aunt Connie reminded Krissy she had been struck by lightning. She said, one evening during a rainstorm, Krissy sat on the floor in Uncle Bennie and Aunt Debi’s bedroom watching T.V. In an instant, a bolt of lightning struck the house and traveled right through the T.V. stand, between the cherished Michael Bolton and Billie Ocean albums right to Krissy. Frank recalled the story and added that when he ran into Krissy at work the next morning, he casually greeted her and said, “Hey there Krispy.”

It is difficult to imagine our lives without Krissy. She was kind, compassionate, sincere, and brave. In spite of her illness, Krissy maintained a fearless spirit and take charge attitude. Not only did she shoot from the hip as one of her friend’s described, but she was also forthright and, as Cesa might put it, a little bossy from time to time.

On a recent trip to Springs, shortly after her surgery, I had the pleasure of embarking on another adventure with my little cousin. As soon as I arrived at the house, Krissy and I were off to the ER. She wasn’t feeling very well so I decided I would take extra precautions to drive as carefully as possible along the way. As we zigzagged across town, we were chatting and then all of a sudden Krissy looked over at me and asked me how fast I was driving. I took notice of my speed and quickly replied, “Is something wrong? Are you ok?” Without hesitation, she responded, “Well, I will be once you start driving the speed limit. It’s 55 and we’re only going 40!”

It’s been moments like these and all the other good times we’ve had that console me. No matter what the circumstances, Krissy embodied all that is good in life. She was a wonderful daughter, loving wife and mother, devoted sister, loyal family member and true friend.

In Cesa’s words…

“To say my sister was incredible would be an understatement, she was extraordinary and for 31 wonderful years of my life, she was my mentor, my protector, but most of all, my best friend. Her laugh, her smile, and the way she lit up a room, those were just a fraction of the qualities I admired and envied so dearly. Our lives were brought together for a reason and for that I am so grateful.

There was never a time that I had to worry about her looking out for me. I’ll never forget this time when we were on the swing set at school and a classmate of hers decided to push me off the swings. I ran crying to her and she went over there, pushed him off, and graciously helped me back on. She showed him who not to mess with and, for the rest of her life, she would have knocked down anyone else who hurt her little sis. There was a time or two that I got knocked down by her as well, but I always figured that was payback for being so mean to her when I was little. For as rambunctious and mischievous as I was, she had the patience of a saint.

A dear friend of ours sent a quote by Hubert Van Zeller that sums up her absence:

"It is not that we feel cut off from the bigger spiritual relationship which survives death, but from the hundred and one lesser links which bind people together; incidental things which when looked back on seem of enduring significance, but which were taken so much for granted at the time.
The other person's sense of humor, prejudices, moods, all that has gone. For the rest of our lives we shall have to do without her mannerisms, her shyness, and her ways of pronouncing things.
The voice is silent - we had expected it would be - but that the yawns and bursts of laughter will never be repeated is almost more than we can bear...
These moments were not passing moments at all. They had something in them of eternity..."

She will eternally be the angel by my side and I am so blessed to have had her as my sister. Until we meet again…. Your little sis “Cheeza” loves you!”

I would also like to share with you special words from Krissy’s husband, Frank:

“I don't believe you can sum up a life that was so brilliant, even one as short as Krissy's, simply with words. She burned so bright and radiated such warmth that you only had to be near her to know she was beyond words. Krissy was everything to me and vice versa. To paraphrase something I once read, “We were to each the other's world entire.” She was my dawn and my twilight, my spring and my winter. I lived nearly every minute of the past ten years in her presence. Whether it was at work, at home or celebrating with friends and family, there was hardly a time when we weren't together.”

“My life was obviously not the only one that Krissy touched. Everyone that met her knew she was special. She was magnetic and beautiful, and completely unafraid of anything life set before her. If Krissy cared for you, there was no one more honest and loyal at your side. If you crossed Krissy's line you learned that she held nothing back to defend those she loved. She never backed down or left a friend that was in need. I know I will never meet another soul that is as kind, generous and honest as she was.”

“Earlier this week I was asked what was my favorite memory of Krissy. It's impossible to choose as every single day was a memory of her I cherished. I still remember how she wore her hair the first day we met, over ten years ago. It was short and blond by the way. I remember removing the partition between our desks at work so we could talk to each other between phone calls. I remember how angry she was at me when a Jared's bill arrived in the mail, and how embarrassed she was when my explanation came as I knelt down and asked her to marry me. I also remember how happy she was to be a mother to our two children and how fiercely she protected them.”

“I suppose if I have a best memory of Krissy, it was during our first real date. She held my hand as we looked up at a black mountain sky strewn with stars and told me that now nothing would ever be the same between us; our lives would be changed forever. In that moment, a meteor streaked across the sky and my life has never been the same since.”

“I'm so thankful to God for bringing Krissy into my life, and into so many of your lives as well, even if it was only for a brief time. Heaven has a new angel and I feel that she'll continue to defend and love us just as she did in life.”

Frank, Cesa, and I would like to share a quote which was dedicated to Krissy by her very dear friend, Lori, titled “The Broken Chain.”

"We little knew that afternoon that God was going to call your name. In life we loved you dearly; in death we do the same. It broke our hearts to lose you; you did not go alone; for part of us went with you, the day God called you home. You left us peaceful memories, your love is still our guide; and though we cannot see you, you are always at our side. Our family and friend chain is broken, and nothing seems the same; but as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.”

We are forever grateful to God for Krissy being in our lives. She will be with us always as a reminder of what we are capable of and can endure. And, Krissy’s name in Latin, ‘Following in Christ,’ will always be a symbol of her will and path here on earth and in Heaven.

We will love you forever Krissy.

For You

Oh Krissy, you really are gone aren't you? I still can't comprehend it. It seems like I'll turn the corner and you'll be there watching TV, or talking on the phone, but I have to stop looking for you and begin to get used to the fact I'm here on this earth without you now. I know you're still watching me, and with me every day, but it feels very lonely right now.

We didn't really get to speak much this last week but I hope you're listening now. I'm sure there is a pretty sweet broadband connection where you are so I'll continue to write with the hopes you'll be reading. I know it took every last bit of strength you had just to speak at the end, but I was so happy we were able to share a few last kisses, and that your last conversation was with me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to repeat what you said, but your words will forever be with me. Even now, they shine before my eyes, they resonate in my ears, and they echo in my heart. I'll never hear anything as bittersweet as the three sentences you spoke in those last moments, and I'll forever be thankful for them.

Watching you leave and ascend to Heaven was the hardest thing I have ever done. I was grateful that at the end you let me hold your hand until God took you away from your pain. I hope it was beautiful and that your Papa was waiting to usher you through the gates. I imagine the celebration and dancing is still carrying on up there. You always could cut a rug.

I've spent the last day with your mom, dad and Cesa making arrangements for the funeral. I think you'd be very happy with what we chose. Everything is beautiful and touched with class, just like you were in life. I picked out two plots for us at the cemetary, right next to a tree and with an amazing view of the mountains. It's a place the girls and I can come to see you and feel immediately at peace. Someday I will join you there, but I promise it won't be until I'm old and gray and have raised our girls to be wonderful, strong, amazing women like their mother.

Not a single instant of these past few days have been easy for me. I think I'm always just a picture, or a song, or a memory away from crying. But just as I have done these past ten years, everything I do is for you, and will continue to be. I promise to live out the rest of my life in a way that will make you proud of me. I'll even balance the checkbook just the way you used to. Our girls will remain the honest, sweet, loving people we have taught them to be and hopefully they won't find it too much of a burden to take care of their good ol' dad when he needs it.

I have to go now, I still have so many things to do before we have your funeral this week. I will write to you again sometime, not too often since I know you'll be watching anyway, but just so I can get the words out. You always knew I could type things better than I could say them anyway.

I love you,
Frank

Praying for Peace

Time seems to have slowed to a crawl now. Krissy is back into a deep sleep, much as she has been for most of the day today, and now we just pray for God to take her peacefully in her sleep.

There's not much new to say about her medical condition that I haven't said already. Her kidneys have completely failed and she's retaining large quantities of fluid. Her liver functions are very compromised and soon it will fail also. Next will be the lungs as they fill with the fluid her body can't expel. My hope is that God calls her before this happens, as she will go more peacefully this way.

After a very restless night of sleep, Kris was again very alert this morning and wanting to talk. It wasn't exactly a talk I wanted to have, as we discussed the accounts and bills that need to be taken care of, and access to her personal email and social network accounts so I can manage them. Morbid stuff but it's got to be done. She also spoke with the doctors and we have decided on a DNR. Should she pass away she does not want to be brought back through chest compressions or intubation. She made the right decision, this suffering is not something she should be forced to endure any longer. We didn't talk for much longer afterwards, she quickly tired and fell back to sleep. I haven't had a chance to have another conversation with her since. I fear that I may have had my last real exchange with her and it's far from the last words I wish I could speak to her.

Despite the constant sadness and worry of today, there were still opportunities for smiling, reflecting and even laughter. Krissy told me something I will never forget this afternoon. I've been asking her some pretty metaphysical questions about her journey towards Heaven, and she's been brave enough to answer me. Today I was quietly talking to her as she slept and she suddenly awakened. When Kris is awake her eyes are unfocused and she does not seem to see you, even if she acknowledges your presence. It's almost as if she is seeing past this world of hurt and through to a place of peace. I wanted to know if this is what she was experiencing and asked her to tell me what she could see. After a pause, she said "I see the ceiling." I had to laugh, not just at her response but at my expectations as well. She smiled slightly and then drifted back off to sleep.

This was the last I saw of my old Krissy today. I think it may be the last I ever see of her and it hurts. Yesterday I said I was not ready to let her go. After seeing this slow process of her body shutting down and the toll it's taken on her, I am at peace with her leaving this world and ascending to Heaven. She deserves it and should not have to suffer any more. I feel awful about wishing my wife could pass away but this is not an existence anyone should have to endure.

Tonight will be a long night. I'm exhausted in every way imaginable and don't think I'll be able to sleep as I watch my wife slowly slip away from me with every minute that passes. My heart has ached, physically, all day and I don't know if it will ever stop. I miss her already and she's not even gone so I don't know how it will feel when she has truly left me. I know I will find out soon.

Acceptance

Six months ago, I don't think I ever thought there would be a day like today. But here we are, facing a grim reality, and today really happened. Krissy is very close to kidney failure and we've all had to come to grips with the fact that, barring an absolute miracle, she will not be with us much longer. Her kidneys have not responded to the treatment at all today, so the doctors have been playing with a varied combination of drugs to keep her body fluids in balance and keep her heart rate and blood pressure under control. It's taken too much of a toll on Krissy's poor little body and I fear I'll be sending my wife to God at the much too young age of 35.

The day started off well enough. Niether of us slept last night, but I was catching a few winks when Kris woke me up at 6:00am. I heard "Frank, wake up" and nearly fell out of my chair for fear there was something wrong. I blurted out, "What is the matter, what can I do?" and she calmly looked at me and said "Nothing. I'm bored, come talk to me." This brought a smile to my face and I gladly pulled up a chair and talked with her for a while. Nothing serious, just waking ourselves up, but she was so alert it was like talking to my old Kris again. We kept it up for about an hour before the nurses resumed their routine of poking and prodding, and at this point her pain had built back up and it was time for more fentynal. Since then she's been slowly deteriorating and has had to keep her pain meds going all throughout the day. But I enjoyed our talk and she made me smile as she has done so often for the past 10 years.

There's been a haze hanging over me today. So much of what I've experienced today feels surreal. After standing with Krissy while she received the bad news about her kidneys and future prognosis, I heard the words I never thought I'd hear until we were both old and gray. She looked into my eyes and told me "I'm ready to go, I've made my peace with God. I don't want to suffer anymore." Selfishly, I admitted that I'm not ready to let her go, but it hurts to see her in so much pain. I can't bear to see her go through any more of this hell, but I still can't believe she may be leaving me soon. To add to this air of disbelief, there have been discussions of where she would like to be buried, where to hold the funeral, what music to play. I had to stop and shake my head at one point, how can we really be talking about this now?

The only thing more heartwrenching than this was when I brought our daughters to see Kris. My Cori, at eleven years old, understands nearly everything that we have been going through, and her talk with Kris was brutal. My heart still hurts from the reality she is having to face at such a young age. Camryn is too young to understand, and may not even remember this when she is older, but it still isn't easy. I see Cori's tears and pray I have the strength to raise these two little girls on my own and instill in them the strong love and memory of their mother.

There has been a steady steam of family and friends to see her today. I know this is but a trickle compared to the flood of support she truly has out there. Between Facebook and email, I've received so many lovely messages of love and support, and I'm thankful for every bit of it. I haven't had time to respond to many of your wall posts or messages, but know that I appreciate every sentiment left for Krissy and I. Krissy's not able to check her posts or text messages but I've been passing them along to her.

I'm finally alone with Kris now, hoping for some rest for us both. There's no need to say goodbye to each other yet as we don't know how long she'll hang on for, but it feels like an unspoken certainty between us. She kissed me sweetly tonight, perhaps for the last time, but I will never know an end to the love I have for her. No matter the outcome of all this, or the when or the why, I love her. This is all I can say for certain and all I can hold onto as I watch her before me. She is ready for God and has put her whole being in his hands as she waits for his grace. All I can do now is follow her example and love her during every minute we have left.

Where We Stand

I've been debating whether or not I should write this post for about a half an hour, but I can't sleep so I might as well get this all out. Krissy is in rough shape right now. After being in the hospital for two days and battling ascites, blocked bile ducts, jaundice and of course cancer, Krissy is now fighting another critical battle against her kidneys. They've slowly been deteriorating under the pressure of ascites and a tumor that is blocking her right ureter and are now close to failure. The doctors are trying a cocktail of drugs to jump-start her kidneys back into action and get her renal system working again. If they are successful then we can go back to getting the stent and moving Krissy to the next step. If the kidneys fail, we risk losing our girl.

Right now I'm sitting in ICU with her and watching stuff drip into her veins via almost a dozen tubes. They put a central line into her artery to deliver some of the heavy duty drugs and she's still pretty sedated and sleepy. It's been a long, difficult day, and I hope it will end with some rest and good news about her kidneys. I won't know one way or the other for several more hours, so it's going to be a long night. I'm exhausted and seeing Kris in this much pain is breaking my heart. I just want her to get some relief from all of this. I'm going to be praying very hard that her kidneys will start functioning again and she can get her strength back.

This is about all I can say for now, and I apologize this is such a short and jumbled post. My brain feels like scambled eggs and I should probably try to sleep. I know I won't, but I should try. I will try to post more tomorrow once I have an update on her condition. Thank you to everyone for your kind thoughts and prayers for my wife, I'm so thankful for you all.

Six of One, Half Dozen of Another...

It's been several weeks since my last update but it feels like forever. I suppose it's been a mixed bag of events. On one hand not a whole lot has happened and on another quite a bit has been going on for Krissy. And now here we are in the ER again, so I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you all what is going on.

A few quick highlights before I dive right in. We visited a fancy pants oncologist at the University of Colorado and had our hopes dashed, and were told that the Oasis treatments weren't working at all. Not exactly Hope, Love and Faith huh? Since then we've found a new oncologist here in the Springs at Rocky Mountain Cancer Center that actually supports Kris in her fight and has been a great help to us so far. She's also seeing a naturopath and acupuncturist in Denver that have been very positive forces as well. Our kids have had birthdays, I just hit my 10 year anniversary at work and there's a volcano in Iceland that I can't pronounce but looks pretty awesome in pictures, I suggest you Google it. Ok, that pretty much catches you up on the small stuff!

To start off, since Krissy's last trip to Oasis she's had a few minor complications that I can best describe as setbacks to her treatment plan and have now ballooned into serious issues. During her last trip to Mexico, she was at the very onset of developing ascites, or build up of fluid in her abdomen. The doctors there weren't sure if it was inflammation from the tumors or actual fluid, so it was a watch and wait situation until a few weeks later it was obvious it was fluid. Since ascites will continue to build up until it's drained or processed by the body, it causes some serious discomfort. Basically, Kris felt like she was pregnant again. So last month she had a procedure to drain it where they pulled just over two liters from her body.

Just after this we had new CT scans done and the results were good and semi-bad. The good, very good in fact, is that her tumors have only shown slight growth since her initial scans from last October. This is amazing news for what was supposed to be a fast growing, aggressive cancer. The downside is that this marginal growth has blocked her bile duct and has given her a nice orange tint. The jaundice has caused her liver functions to elevate and this isn't a good thing, so they need to stent her bile duct open and get those juices flowing again. Here's where we have run into complications.

This takes us back to the ascites. After the initial draining she felt better for about a week until the fluid came back. There was even more fluid build up this time and she was very uncomfortable, so her doctors decided to place a catheter in her abdominal wall so she could drain herself, in the hopes of making the stent surgery easier.

Did I mention we've had a few complications? So in a normal person, a stent can be placed in the bile duct during an endoscopy, they just go down into your stomach and slide the stent in. However, our girl Krissy has had the equivalent of gastric bypass surgery so the pathway from the stomach straight to the bile duct has been cut off. In order to access it now they'll have to go in through her side with a needle, just above the liver, and insert the stent into the bile duct this way. It's trickier, and involves leaving a drain tube in her side until it heals. Unfortunately, her ascites is holding this procedure up, as the constant filling/draining of her abdomen can cause the stent to leak and lead to some serious infections and pain. During all of this mess, Kris has felt like crap and has dropped to about 80 pounds. Complicated, right?

This convoluted mess leads us to the ER tonight. She's been self draining the fluid and last week pulled three liters out. I'm amazed that any person, especially someone as small as Krissy, can be carrying around that much excess fluid. I can't imagine what that feels like for her. Well, just after draining she started to experience some excruciating pain in her stomach that radiated all the way up to her shoulders. After a few reluctant pain killers, she was able to sleep. We called the doctors and they wanted to see what was going on, so we spent last Thursday at Memorial while they observed a drain and determined that when the fluid level in her abdomen gets low the catheter is suctioning up against her intestines and causing all that horrible pain. They gave her some new guidelines to follow while draining and sent us on our merry way. Tonight she drained off two more liters, trying to go slowly as they recommended, and she felt fine until about ten minutes after she was done. Then the pain kicked back in, even worse this time, and was so intense painkillers weren't getting through. She could barely breathe, so with Krissy's folks at the house I called 911. This is probably the scariest situation we've faced yet.

And here we are, Kris and I, in the ER waiting to be admitted to the hospital. I have some frustrations with the doctors as I sit here and play Dr. Google, but I'll have to write those up in another post. For tonight, all I ask is that they give my baby some relief and help us sort this situation out so she can get back to kicking ass. Keep the prayers and good vibes coming our way, every bit you send is hugely appreciated.

And the Road Goes Ever On

For those that have been following Krissy's battle against cancer, you know that she's made huge strides and shown great bravery as she walks this path towards healing. I've said it many times, I don't know another person with as much heart and determination as Kris has packed into her tiny frame. Today she took another huge step towards her goal of being cancer free. After 13 years, she decided to resign from working at PROFITsystems and focus full time on her recovery and spend more time with our daughters. This Friday will be her last day at the office.

This was obviously a tremendously difficult decision for her to make, on many levels. She wanted to work. You don't realize how far from normal you feel until you're forced to take an extended leave from your job. The routine becomes a part of you and once it's gone you feel idle and even guilty at times. Our office has been absolutely amazing to both Krissy and I, so her decision to quit working was made even more difficult because we spend everyday around such great people. Of course, they're very supportive of her, and they've taken such good care of us for so many years that it's hard not to question whether this was the right thing to do. But it is, and will give her all the time and rest she needs to kick cancer to the curb.

This is also going to be challenging for our family. She's not taking a paid leave of absence, this is unemployment and I'll be the sole earner in the house. Not to mention our insurance situation will be shifting around, and we'll also be pulling Camryn out of daycare. This is a very positive change though, as Kris will get to spend much more time with the kids when it matters most to her. Cam is definitely daddy's girl, but she needs mommy's influence again now that Kris is able to keep up with her.

This big life changer is going to take some adjusting, and quickly, but I'm really very happy she made this decision now. I'd rather she take the time away from work to heal and focus on her every day challenges than force herself to work when she doesn't have the energy to put in eight hours. It isn't healthy and now she can work on herself instead of feeling like she's letting people down by calling in sick or not feeling her best at the office. I know, no one really feels that way, but when you're out all the time it can build up the guilt pretty quickly.

For me personally, I have some bittersweet emotions about it. I'm 100% positive this is the right decision for her but it also makes me pretty sad. I'm not sure how many of you know this, but Krissy and I have worked together for almost ten years, the majority of them just a cube or desk apart from each other. We met, became friends, fell in love, got married and had a child during our time at PROFIT. I spent every single day waking up with her, driving to work with her, working (and sometimes arguing) through the day at the office, then driving back home and spending the rest of our evenings together. I've spent more time with Krissy between work and home than any other human being in my entire adult life and I've loved it. So to know that after this week I won't hear her voice over the wall, or work together on a call, or know she's always just a few feet away from me will be tough to get used to. It'll still be a good place to work, but it will be diminished and frankly a bit lonely. But I know this what she needs to do and it's a small sacrifice to make for her to win this battle. I'd gladly work this job and nights as a junior apprentice burrito wrapper at Taco Bell if I knew it would guarantee her success.

So there you go, new adventures for the Lanza family are in the works, never a dull moment around this house! I'm excited for Krissy to begin this next phase in her life and recovery, and pray for the day when she can tell the world she is cancer free and ready to take it on full force.

G'night!

Day Twenty Four: Endings and Beginnings

Here we are, at the end of another week of treatment at Oasis. I'm so very ready to have Krissy home for a while, so we can concentrate on getting her well and living our lives with the kids. She will still have a long road ahead of her, and possibly more trips to Oasis, but for now we need to continue her home regimen and gather as much information as possible to help her completely heal. I'm heading out to the airport soon to pick her up, we can't wait to see her again! I also can't thank Lori enough for spending this past week with Kris, it's been huge for her to have someone so close share this experience with her.

So here you have it, their last day at Oasis for the time being. Thanks for tagging along for another week with us!

Well we are coming to the end of our stay here at Oasis, today was our last full day and Krissy had another full day of treatments. She received another O zone treatment, more Kemadalin, Vitamin C, Vitamin K and Perftec, so she had all the good stuff pumped into her before we are off to CO.

Before starting her treatment we headed down to the dinning area so Krissy could get some good nourishment, she was pretty hungry as she didn't have much for dinner last night. She enjoyed a bowl of oatmeal and had a bit of the fresh fruit. I have been spoiled with all this fresh cut fruit here and hope to continue that when I return home. At breakfast we sat with Joselyn, Alicia and her 2 sons who are from Sacramento. Alicia was here 5 years ago going through treatment as she was diagnosed with breast cancer. From what I understand her only treatment was at Oasis. She did do chemo here as well as all of the other treatments they offer and has had a clean bill of health. She is here this time for her followup at Oasis but also decided with her sons and husband to volunteer at the orphanage in Tijuana. What a neat family and how great to know that Alicia is doing so well with her health, gives everyone here hope for sure.

Krissy recieved her O zone treament and Perftec after breakfast so we both read a ton from our books. Krissy finished reading Lovely Bones and I finally started Eclispe, yes for those of you that know me I finally finished New Moon. :-) We then spoke to the Doctors about the results of Krissy's CT scan and the good news is there has not been any growth. Of course we were hoping for shrinkage, however the fact that there has been no growth is very positive. They are going to change 1 thing to her regime at home but are going to continue the same protocol otherwise. They seemed real positive so again continue all the wonderful prayers and positive thoughts for our beautiful Krissy.

After speaking to the doctors we walked to the pharmacy, the weather was a little cooler today, however the sun was shining. It was great to get out and move our legs a bit. Once we returned we went to lunch where Krissy ate pretty well, she had 2 treatments of Vitamin k and Vitamin C treatments after lunch so she knew she needed to get some more good nourishment. After lunch we headed back up to the room so Krissy could continue with her treatment. While waiting Debi called via Skype with Coral and Camryn so that was great for Krissy to talk to them and see their sweet little faces.

Krissy received both doses of Vitamin c and k, in between each we went to dinner, it was a quick dinner as Krissy didn't have much of an appetite after her 1st dose. Sandy and Stan were having a movie night tonight, the feature was Evan Almighty, however Krissy was getting her second dose of Vitamin c and k so I decided to stay in the room with her. I did go get some of the popcorn they were having which was a nice night time snack. Well that is it for today, tomorrow we are off early in the morning to head home. It has been an amazing week to experience, we have had our ups and downs it has been very spiritual and very hopeful. I feel so blessed to have been able to be here with Krissy on her journey to great health and heading home tomorrow to continue Krissy's journey of great health.

Day Twenty Three: Toldya It Was Corn

After a long day of work and a short evening of dinner, baths and bedtime, I unfortunately missed talking to Krissy over Skype. I'm getting this post in just before I turn in for bed, hoping we can talk more tomorrow. It's hard not seeing and talking to her everyday like usual! I love you babe, keep kicking ass. Now back to you Lori!

Last night was a bit rough, we had a bar down the street playing loud music until wee hours of the night and also a group of people in the halls by our room talking and laughing until somewhere around 11:00. After a rough night of sleep for both of us we were awakened by one of the nurses as Krissy had a ct scan first thing this morning. I am asking everyone to please pray for Krissy that she has positive results, nothing but lots of healing prayer and positive thoughts!! After her scan we went down for breakfast where we sat with our new friends Joselyn and Jewels, Joselyn is really having a hard time trying to find her inner strength and faith to continue her fight. Krissy is so amazing, after all she has gone through she is there for Joselyn, answering her questions and giving her inspiration to continue to fight. I still am not sure why this has happened to Krissy and why she is having to go through all of this, however her strength and faith in God is just speaking volumes when it comes to her fight and her will to help other people. I have always said she may be small but she is Mighty!! She is such an inspiration to me and many people her at Oasis.

After breakfast we decided to just relax in our room while we waited for Krissy's treatments to begin. She received the Immuno therapy where they have donors here at Oasis donate white blood cells, if you all remember Frankie and Cesa talking about it, this is where Krissy smells like creamed corn. It was funny, instantly she started to smell like it. They gave her a break in between her next treatments so we decided to have lunch. Today was International day and todays theme was Hawaiian so they had cute little center pieces made of fruit, we enjoyed pineapple chicken and rice which was very delicious. We had lunch with Melana, her son Trafon and Joslyn.

It was time to continue Krissy's treatment so back to the room we went where she received vitamin k and vitamin c. Today was not as nice outside it was cooler, cloudy and windy so we decided to stay inside. Once Krissy was done with the vitamin c we decided to go to dinner before she received her kemdalin and second doses of vitamin k and c for the day. The vitamin c does not agree with Krissy to well so she didn't eat much. Krissy was kind enough to go down anyway and I was able to eat, we did meet 2 more ladies, Renee and Rhonda from LA. Renee actually did 2 weeks of alternative treatments in Santa Barbara and is receiving additional treatment here at Oasis. Back up to our room we went for Krissy to continue her treatment, TV, reading, emailing and just relaxing.

That is all I have for today so until tomorrow.

Day Twenty Two: He is Always With Us

Holy cow I actually went to bed early last night! That's probably why it's going to snow after having had all this beautiful weather. I had a good talk with Kris and Lori over Skype last night, it was great to see her and know that things are going well. Since my evening was over with pretty quicky, I'm going to hand the reigns over to Lori.

Happy St. Patrick's day to you all!! There was obviously no green beer here today, they did have the healthy "green drink" that they put out at every meal, I just couldn't bring myself to try it though. :-)

We started our day just a little later as Krissy had a bit of a restless nights sleep, so we opted to sleep in. Once we got ready for the day we headed down to breakfast where we enjoyed the food and company. We sat with Joann and Dennis who are from Wisconsin, Melana who I believe lives in San Diego and Stan and Sandy who are amigos here at the Oasis, they are also from Wisconsin. Lots of cheese heads here at the Oasis (including me, that's why I can say that hehe!)

Krissy and I have really lucked out being here this week as we have had nothing but beautiful sunshine and warm weather so far. If it wasn't for our kiddos and husbands that we are missing so much, we may decide to stay. Anyway we did enjoy a bit of the morning sun by sitting in the Courtyard where we met Jewels who lives in Oceanside, CA, she is here with her Mom that has been diagnosed with ovarian (insert the c word here). What a neat person Jewels is, she was asking Krissy a lot of questions about Oasis and Krissy's story. Jewels like I, is so impressed and inspired by the love and overwhelming feeling of healing here at Oasis. I really enjoyed talking with her.

We decided to go inside to find out when they were going to start Krissy's treatments as it looked like she had a good day of different treatments today. They called her to go downstairs to receive the O zone treatment, where they take her blood and then through this machine add oxygen it and then give the blood back to her as it goes through a UV light, pretty amazing stuff! She came back to the room where she then received genoxal however, before receiving the kemdalin Krissy was feeling hungry so off to lunch we went. I must say this was probably the most disappointing meal we had so far, they had fish, rice and salad, it was not real flavorful. The juice I tried was not very good either, not really sure what fruit it was, so we both agreed to go to El Yogurt for dinner, which I was excited to try. At lunch though we did meet Jewels mom, Joslin who had a ton of questions for Krissy. What a nice lady, however she seems to be scared and nervous, she is new and not sure about everything lately. I think Krissy helped put her at ease somewhat so that was good to see.

Back to the room we went for Krissy to receive her kemdalin and watch Ellen. Krissy handled all of her treatments really well today and still had energy to go to El Yogurt for dinner. I must say I totally enjoyed dinner, a chicken burrito and beans, of course I had to try their frozen yogurt too. I had the strawberry and it was delicious, it was a really nice treat to get out for a bit and then enjoy a great dinner with Krissy. When we returned we went to the chapel for the healing prayer. Wow this was intense and words just cannot describe how I felt, I truly felt God's presence. He was there with his hands and heart on everyone and especially for Dennis, Krissy, Joslin and one other woman whose name I cannot remember. It was incredibly spiritual and emotional. I have always believed and trusted in God, however unfortunately when you get into your day to day hustle and bustle sometimes you forget he is there. This experience was such an eye opener and one I hope that I never forget.

Well it is now time for more of American Idol and then off to sleep, until tomorrow.

Day Twenty One: Little Blessings

Tonight we're on time and under budget! I'm really missing my wife this time around, the house seems so much more quiet and empty without her than it ever has before. It could be that I'm feeling down, as I learned that our good friend Sharon passed away on Sunday. I had prayed that she would find healing and be able to return to her life in Australia with her husband and two little boys, but unfortunately she lost the battle after slipping into a coma over the weekend. My heart goes out to her sister Jenny and to all of her family. Sharon made a big impact in our lives during the short time we knew her. At least I can take comfort knowing she's not in pain any longer.

Well it's getting late again so it's time to turn it over to Lori. Their day awaits!

Once again we had a great night sleep and woke up around 7:00am. Today we were both able to have full showers which made Krissy happy. We then went to workshop, what a great way to start our day. It was lead by Bruce and Vickie, we sang a few songs, said what we are thankful for, Bruce read from the Bible and ended with hugs all around. From there we headed to breakfast which again I enjoyed, we had banana pancakes with strawberries on top, yummy! Krissy has been eating really well here which is so awesome to see. We sat with sweet little Ferrin again and her Daddy, Matt. They are leaving tomorrow to go back to England, which will be great for them to get back home I am sure.

After breakfast we went back to our room where Krissy had her 2nd treatment of the week, today she received genoxal and kemdalin. We had a pretty mellow morning I relaxed, checked e-mail and read while Krissy received her treatment and took a nap. Once her treatment was done it was lunch time so off to the dining area we went.

Todays lunch consisted of spaghetti, which we were told the noodles were made of artichoke and wheat I believe, it was actually very tasty. We also had Oasis approved french fries and of course I thought of Frankie, I know he would have enjoyed them. The Oasis staff had put together a small little birthday party at lunch for Ferrin as her 3rd birthday is on March 28, so they had ballons, made a cake, had presents and a pinata it was so very sweet, unfortunately she was not really into it as I think she was tired. The thought was very sweet though.

We were blessed with a beautiful warm and sunny day so we decided to go to the courtyard to read and enjoy the day. We then returned to our room to watch the Ellen show for some laughs and decided it was to nice so went back to the courtyard. This time we enjoyed the company of little miss Ferrin, she had Krissy and I play boat, airplane and pretend we were eating pizza and strawberry pudding oh and we gave eachother pretend presents too. We have really enjoyed Ferrin these last couple of days and will miss her. We then went to dinner which was tasty and while dinner was going we had a sing along with Bruce and Vickie, it was a lot of fun and everyone really seem to enjoy it. This place just exudes Positivity, Faith, Hope and Love. These are the words that Oasis lives by, Hope, Faith and most if all Love! I have felt this everyday!

Well it's time for a little bit of TV before bed, Krissy is going to get me hooked on American Idol watch, until tomorrow.

Day Twenty: Back in the Saddle

Here we are again, Kris is back for her third round of treatment at Oasis and I'm home alone with the girls. I'm cautiously optimistic about this third trip, knowing that she is still early in her treatment cycles and that no change, or even a small change in the wrong direction isn't necessarily a bad thing. This is going to be a long road for Krissy and I have to be prepared for bumps in the road, no matter how discouraging they might seem in the short term.

Krissy left on Sunday and this time her best friend Lori accompanied her down to sunny Tijuana. I'm sure those girls will take lots of walks and watch The Sweetest Thing about a thousand times. So without further ado, I'm going to turn you over to Lori and let her show us Oasis through her eyes. I'm a bit behind posting their first day, so I'll try to have tonight's update written on time. I was pooped and fell asleep on the couch with Camryn :)

After a Great night sleep for both of us we woke up early to get our day started. It was a great start for me with a nice warm shower, however for some reason Krissy's shower was cut short, all of a sudden the water just turned off and we had no water in our room for about 30 minutes, ugh!! While finishing getting ready, a nurse came to draw blood from Krissy, little did he know he had his work cut out for him. Let's see after the 3rd and 4th vein he was able to get just a little bit, Krissy was so funny, she told him she must have left her blood at home. He then continued to try to draw more and by the 7th vein he was able to get a little more. Krissy handle it all so well and was such a trooper, I was just hoping her day would take a turn for the better and I believe it did.

Off to the cafeteria for some breakfast, I was looking forward to seeing how the food would be and I was pleasantly surprised, it was actually quite tasty. While at breakfast we saw Bruce and I met his wife Vickie who gave Krissy a big welcome hug and were so happy to see her. I was in awe of all the people who work at Oasis, many of them remember Krissy, all said hi and gave her hugs, it was great to see.

After breakfast we went back to our room where Krissy received her 1st treatment of the week which was Genoxal. Yay, they hit her vein the 1st time, Krissy was happy about that after what she went through this morning. Once her treatment finished we decided to enjoy the beautiful sunny day, so we went to the courtyard and read for a bit and also enjoyed watching a little girl named Farron, from England who was almost 3 years old. What a sweet little girl with a sweet little accent. We learned that her mom, Jo, had passed away yesterday, which was very sad news to hear. I know this news hit Krissy really hard, but also know that this will make her fight her fight even harder.

We decided to go to lunch where again enjoyed some delicious food and had great company. We met another couple who are Amigo's here at Oasis of Hope and also met Farron's daddy, Matt. He seemed to being going through all the motions, however after all he has been through he was still very positive with his road ahead for he and his daughter. Talking with him and seeing Farron again was really hard for Krissy, however in some ways I feel that God maybe placed them here for Krissy to meet so it will continue to give her the faith and strength she needs to continue her fight for great health.

After lunch we decided again to go enjoy this beautiful weather and took a walk to the ocean which is just a few blocks away. It was nice to get out, walk and enjoy the beautiful view and sounds of the ocean. We then went back to our room to catch up on emails, read and relax for a bit.

We headed down for diner and enjoyed an interesting meal of broccoli and tofu, Krissy opted out on that dish and chose to have the salad. We met 2 woman from Canada that sat at our table with us and are also true believers in the natural and holistic way of healing. From dinner we headed to the chapel for group where everyone told there stories and it amazed me how positive everyone was and the faith they have in God was so incredible. We are now back in our room for the night, going to watch a little TV and call it a night, until tomorrow.

Day Nineteen: Home Again Home Again La De Da

Our final day at Oasis began very early. The alarm went off at 6:30 and Krissy was up and at it for treatments to begin promptly at 7:30. First off Ozone with UV light, then on to breakfast, before the last rounds of Vitamin C, Vitamin K, and Kemdalin. It was the best day of weather we had in all week, probably reached 70º by 10:00. Krissy actually did really good with the Vitamin C, she was only queasy for the first hour, and then she was fine. We went outside and basked in the sunshine, til we got too hot and me little suburned, so we came in, grabbed our stuff, said our goodbyes to Casey, Karen & Jim, Beth & Earl, Dottie & Carol, and headed for sunny San Diego.

It took almost an hour to cross the border. The cars were lined up for hours but we got to go through the fast lane, that however did not mean we got to cross any sooner than the 500 cars lined up to get through. It was interesting to say the least. At one point I was almost having a full blown anxiety attack because all I could see was cars all around me, people selling their merchandise at the car windows, and border patrol picking random cars to inspect. I almost felt claustrophobic, so I just tried to keep my head down til we got to the booth. After about 45-50 minutes of waiting, we finally got across, thank goodness. We met up with my cousins Voni and Analeisse and had just enough time to shop and hang out before our flight. It was the first normalcy I had felt in an entire week.

Our flight was delayed a 1/2 hour, which felt like an eternity, but was fine because it was only a 1/2 more before we were home sweet home. Frankie was waiting for us and Camryn and Cori were ecstatic to see their mommy. Once we got to my house, I was greeted with the warmth of my hubby and an Oasis approved beer I had been waiting for. Something about the Oasis' approval of coffee, beer, and wine, just makes it easier to accept the changes to our diet. How bad is that....or good?

Overall I have to say this was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I am honored my sister asked me to go with her. Sometimes we need to take the blinders off to really see what life is really all about. We are all guilty of getting caught up in the material side of things that we forget the true value of life and relationships we have with others. Last week was another life lesson for me. Even though my stay there was short, it was long enough for me to really evaluate things within my life. My advice, say "I love you" as often as you can to the people you love! So on that note, I love you all....God Bless!

Day Eighteen: Watched Pot Never Boils

TGIF! Today was a big day of treatments for Krissy.... Ozone, UV light, Perftec, Vitamin C, Vitamin K, and Kemdalin. With several hours of her time being tied up, I decided to play on the computer, go outside and sit in the courtyard, watch some daytime tv and read The Lovely Bones. I finished Dear John last night, my hope is that the movie is relatively close to the quality of the book, because I really enjoyed it. With Saturday fast approaching, it seems as though the day went by really slow. They say that when you're anxious for time to fly by, it actually slows down, and that was very true for our Friday. Its exciting to think that we'll be heading home tomorrow, but I wish there was a way that we could keep in touch with EVERYONE here because we genuinely care about their progress. You create such a support system here, that it's hard to say goodbye. My hope is that Krissy will cross paths with most of who are here now when she comes back in 4 weeks.

Laura and Ron came to say their goodbye's to us this afternoon, but I missed them. They had plans for the evening and tomorrow they're going to spend the day in San Diego. Another family we saw leave today was Helen and her mother and son. They're from London and although we never formally we met them, we always smiled and said hello in passing. Helen was the patient here, battling breast cancer. Her son looked to be about 10 and you could see how ready he was to go home. The other night for dinner, he had a plate full of banana muffins and some juice. Imagine kids who don't always like eating their vegetables and now only having vegetables to eat. I can only imagine what he'll eat when he gets home! I heard another Aussie has arrived. He was talking with the father and son from Melbourne (who are originally from Argentina) at lunch and there was no mistaking that accent.

Restful evening it was, watching the Olympic opening ceremonies. Krissy's treatments didn't finish until after 7, and the Vitamin C always make her feel yucky. It was the first night I ate by myself but I brought my tray back to my room and watched The Proposal on the laptop while she rested. Tonight before bed I'm going to pray real hard for everyone here and everyone who will be arriving this weekend. Whether its future goals or dreams, whatever it is you want, if you pray and believe in it with all your heart and soul, anything can happen!! God Bless!

Day Seventeen: Downgrade to DEFCON 3

What a difference a day makes. I admit to feeling pretty down when I heard the news from Krissy yesterday. I'm not sure if it's because I'm too close to the situation or if I'm a worry wort, but kneejerk reactions to any kind of change in Krissy's condition seem to be the norm for me lately. I'm still not pleased with the test results but I had to stop and question, what did they really mean? I'm not a doctor, and even if I played one on TV, slight changes in her condition one direction or the other may be perfectly normal. And after reading Cesa's update tonight it seems that this is the case, we just have to give these processes time and understand that "improvement" will be measured in the long term. So for myself, I just resolve to keep my head down, support Krissy every day in her battle, and trust that prayers and determination will see us through. As Camryn so wisely stated to me at dinner last night, while working so hard to shovel slippery spaghetti noodles into her mouth and dumping most of it in my lap, "Be patient Daddy!" Ok, attitude adjustment completed, now it's time for Words de Cesa!

I guess all that praying last night really wore us out, or maybe it was that no one was riding the elevator all night, either way, we got a really good night's sleep and slept in this morning for the first time since we got here. Breakfast today, for lack of better words, was awful! Their attempt at french toast was a failure at best, but we understand the effort and the reason why the food is the way that it is here. Krissy and I kind of picked at our food before deciding that what we really wanted most was coffee. We ate some fruit and then went to Starbucks. We got to come back and enjoy our coffee in the courtyard because of the beautiful weather again and then came up to see if Dr. Lagos was making rounds again.

Dr. Lagos came in and told Krissy, with a smile on his face and his hand on hers, that the protocol will not change. He said after meeting with the other doctors this morning they decided that all will remain the same. I asked him why the tumor would have grown a little and he came and sat next to me and said, "the growth is not much, almost the same as last time, with a slight (as he pinched his fingers together) difference." He said they felt that the pain in my sister's side was not related to the cancer and that she can keep on doing everything she's been doing. Their bedside manner is so different from any of the doctors that I'm used to. I only met him for a brief minute on Monday and as I pass by him in the halls, he always says, "Hola, Francesca". So his words of advice to Kris before he left, keep up the healthy lifestyle, exercising and eating right and he told her he expects good things. Also, while she was visiting in Dorian's (patient coordinator) office, Dr. Cesenias, the head oncologist, told Krissy that he wasn't worried about her and that it typically takes 3 lymphocyte treatments before they really start analyzing the effectiveness of the treatment and ended with "and you'll be fine". Crisis averted!

What good news that was for both of us....I think we got a surge of adrenaline and didn't know who to call first. She did the immune therapy today, or as Frankie and her will call it, "corn therapy". LOL...this is the lymphocyte transfusion that causes her to smell like corn. At first I didn't notice a difference in the smell, but it definitely kicked in later. If you ask who your lymphocyte donor is, the hospital will tell you and then you can meet them and thank them. Her donor for today's transfusion was Isaac. So today was a themed lunch, carribean to be exact, and on the themed lunch days, the staff is invited to come and join the patients and their companions to eat and get to know them. Isaac, ironically, came and asked if he could sit with us. He is the main hospital coordinator here and as he sat down, Krissy told him thank you for being her donor. He said he was honored and felt it was not coincidence that he picked us to sit with. While we were eating, we met our neighbors Karen and Jim. They're from Grand Rapids, MI, a city we're familiar with, and Karen is battling ovarian cancer. After 6 cycles of chemo, she decided no more chemo, so here she is. We also briefly met Earl and Beth from Ontario, Canada. Not sure what the type of cancer is because Earl had a treatment to get to, so they just had time to introduce themselves. I have to admit, today's lunch was probably the best yet, not because of the food, but the company and the 2 hour conversation we had with them.

The rest of the afternoon we spent relaxing in the room watching Ellen (Krissy) and me reading my book. After Ellen we walked down to the pharmacy for Kris to get one of her prescriptions and then over to El Yogurt to get me a frozen yogurt. At dinner, I noticed there were several new faces. Some people have left or are leaving tomorrow and new ones are coming in. I did happen to notice that a gentleman, whose wife had been taking her meal trays to their room, is now eating with his wife in the cafeteria. I take that as a good sign and he looks to be doing good. No service tonight, which we were kind of bummed about, but we'll just say our prayers in silence before turning in for the night. Tomorrow is movie night, they prepare air popped popcorn with olive oil and veggie salt, but we're thinking we'll skip out on the movie and just snag some popcorn and return to our room to watch the Olympic opening ceremonies. Can't believe just a couple days left here for us. The week started off slow, but has picked up momentum. I'm getting anxious, Krissy also, to get home and see our families. Thank goodness for Skype and facebook, but it doesn't compare to being in their presence or any of you for that matter! God Bless!

Day Sixteen: Carry the Fire

It's all Cesa tonight folks, I'm done tuckered out. My only contribution tonight will be to the title, inspired by The Road. No one said this was going to be easy, but what burns brightest inside will see us through. Enough of my waxing poetic, time to turn you over to Cess.

Apparently Colorado isn't the only place with unpredicatable weather. Seems as though the storm we were supposed to get blew over us. Yesterday evening they were already sand bagging the doors and prepping for what we thought was going to be high winds and lots of rain. To our delight, we woke up to clearer skies and no wind and we made it in time to see all the beautiful faces from all over the world at breakfast. I guess I should have remembered to tell you sooner that there are people here from London, other parts of England, Australia, and many other great US states. On the menu this morning, much to my surprise, was egg in the hole! I thought that was only an "American" thing, but apparently lots of things make they're way across the border, just like Peter Piper Pizza.

While the nurses were getting Krissy set up on her IV treatments, I decided to take a walk and get to know the 3rd floor a little better. I also have a hard time with needles and blood and they were having to fight Krissy's arms to find a good vein. She has tiny veins and they were not cooperating with the nurses. As I was walking around, I noticed an article posted on the wall about Donald Factor, the son of the very famous makekup artist Max Factor. He was diagnosed with liver cancer in 1986 and after virtually no options for treatment in England, he came to Oasis of Hope. When you hear a diagnosis of liver cancer, one automatically assumes "terminal" because our liver is the laboratory of our bodies and is one of the main powerhouses to complete the functions of our organs. Donald Factor underwent this surgery to create a port that delivered the medication directly to the liver. Long story short, he survived through the miraculous efforts of Dr. Contreras and his team here at Oasis. As I read this, I couldn't help think to myself that if only Josh's dad Garry would have known of this place, maybe he too could be here today to tell his story. Everything in life happens for a reason though, and we have to believe that there is a beautiful world we will enter into after this life, and some are just meant to go before us to prepare for our arrival.

Marcia left this morning and I wish we would have had her for one more day because we got some pretty upsetting news. The results from the scan came back and it seems as though the tumor by Krissy's pancreas and intestine has grown slightly and the one in the lining of her stomach has increased a little as well. That was a blow initially, but the powers that be, sent us comfort in the form of Laura and Ron. As we were walking down the stairs to lunch, they greeted us with a smile and saw that it was not returned so easily. Immediately Laura asked how the scan went and we both started crying. She hugged Krissy tightly and said, "It's ok, Ron's scans were different all the time and not always good, but he's here today cancer free and that's all that matters." Everyone here is not given the same protocol, they are very similar, but they're all tweaked to find the perfect regimen. Krissy's will now probably need to be readjusted, and tonight we will pray for the guidance and direction we will need to go in tomorrow.

With this much needed sunny, warmer, weather, Krissy and I got to venture out again. This time it was to find the Church, our place of solice, but the doors were locked when we got there. So we headed back and I attended the relaxation workshop led by Dr. Lety Wong, the psychologist here. I was the only one in the class, so I got to meditate all by myself. It was very relaxing and I came back to the room with a much clearer head. Earlier in the day I had attended Dr. McCarty's seminar on nutrition and as Frank told us in the blog from the first round....we eat TERRIBLLY BAD in the US. Looks like its going to be the Mediterranean diet for me. First I need to have a slice of pizza, because that's what I am craving so badly, but after that....I'm restructuring my meals.

For dinner we decided enough with the plethora of fruits and veggies and off to El Yogurt we went. Krissy's protein levels are low, so she needs to start eating more fish, chicken and adding the vegetable proteins, so all the more reason to eat out at the hospital approved restaurant. I had chicken enchiladas and Krissy had a chicken burrito and for dessert, raspberry frozen yogurt with lots of sunflower seeds, almonds and walnuts. Healing service was at 7 and that was just what we needed before retiring to bed. We prayed for Krissy and Casey. Casey is a young father from Atlanta. He has been battling colo-rectal cancer for quite some time and it has advanced to his lungs. He has two little boys, ages 3 & 5, who bring a light to his eyes when he speaks of them. After several rounds of chemo and it not working, he was sent hopeless from Atlanta to the light of Oasis.

Today didn't go exactly how we would have planned, but there's always renewal by hearing someone else's journey and we never forget the promise of tomorrow! We're 1/2 way there.....God Bless!

Day Fifteen: Totopos?

Thank goodness, everyone in the Lanza household woke up feeling well and well-rested. Finally having my appetite was great, one of those things you don't miss until it's gone. Camry was re-fitted for glasses this afternoon after trashing her first pair at daycare two weeks ago, so we begin the adjustment phase all over again. I might have to take a long break from contacts so I can show her that daddy and sissy and mommy all wear their glasses, so Cam can too. It's rough when the one year old has the indomitable will of kung fu sensei.

As live goes on here at home Kris and Cesa continue their adventure at Oasis. After a few days without my wife, I'm not sure which is more difficult, being in Mexico with her or being home alone and wondering how she is doing all the time. I find myself feeling a lot more anxious this time around although I don't really have any reason to be. I'll be glad to have her back this weekend.

Well, without further delay I'm going to turn it over to Cesa and catch some extra sleep tonight. Take it away sis!

Where to begin....typical weekday morning, except Krissy had her CT scan so she got to drink yummy contrast with apple juice. They were a little late taking her down so we got to breakfast late and had a quiet meal all by ourselves. When we returned they started her genoxil, then on to kemdalin. While hooked up to her IV, Marcia and Dottie knocked on the door and asked if they could visit with us. These two women are incredible. They come once a year, Marcia for 2 weeks, Dottie for a month and work with the amigos. They have no cancer experiences of their own, but devote themselves to helping others with their spirituality and deep love for every human being. They visited for a while and then we prayed. I have heard many great things about Bruce and Vicky, and I'm sorry to have missed them, but I'm blessed to have crossed paths with these two lovely ladies.

Pretty uneventful Tuesday. At lunch there was some fresh guacamole so I saved a plate and brought some up to our room to eat with my "totopos". Something about eating fresh guac on lettuce just doesn't appeal to me as much as good old fashioned tortilla chips!
Weather was pretty crappy today, windy, cloudy, and cold, so we stayed in all day. This afternoon Kris was pretty tired so she napped and I switched between reading, crocheting and watching daytime tv. Those that know me well, know that I can't sit still for long, so this down time is kind of kicking my butt. If I could run circles around this place I would, but they would probably think I'm crazy and Lord knows its not safe to run around outside. I'm adjusting, but the two cups of coffee each day doesn't help!

After Ellen we went to Starbucks....figured we better go get our coffee before this nasty storm comes blowing in. Apparently the next day or so is supposed to be very rainy and cold so we might be done with our beautiful weather for the next few days. As we were walking to Starbucks, I saw the Peter Piper Pizza sign again and I had forgotten to mention that the other day.....what a blast from the past! I know there are several people reading this that will have flashbacks after hearing that name. I thought that was only a Colorado Springs thing and I also thought that left with our old school 90's permed hair....apparently everything makes a comeback, let's just hope the perms don't!

Tonight it was prayer and reflection with the amigos, Biggest Loser (my other source of inspiration) and relaxation. Biggest Loser was filmed in Colorado Springs for tonights episode, made me proud of our hometown but made me miss Colorado even more. Reflection group was very fulfilling. We met Jorge who is here with his wife Conchita. She, ironically, is battling gastric cancer as well. We didn't get the chance to hear much of her story, but she was offered no hope in San Diego, a story all too common in this place. He drives back and forth from San Diego and he looks tired, but as he stated, "I am so blessed that my wife and I were told of this place, I know we made the right decision." He went on to say that he has always been a man of faith, but this experience has renewed his faith. Amen to him and Conchita for being here!

As the night winds down, my reflection for the day is, we always knew the Oasis was a gift from God and I am priviledged to be amongst these angels here. While this place can be hard to be in at times, it also renews my strength and faith like Jorge. We are all too aware that things happen in life that we have no control of, but its the people we meet along the way who enrich our souls to make the journey more beautiful!

"God is love, Rev Run" (LOL to those who understand this quote)