Acceptance

Six months ago, I don't think I ever thought there would be a day like today. But here we are, facing a grim reality, and today really happened. Krissy is very close to kidney failure and we've all had to come to grips with the fact that, barring an absolute miracle, she will not be with us much longer. Her kidneys have not responded to the treatment at all today, so the doctors have been playing with a varied combination of drugs to keep her body fluids in balance and keep her heart rate and blood pressure under control. It's taken too much of a toll on Krissy's poor little body and I fear I'll be sending my wife to God at the much too young age of 35.

The day started off well enough. Niether of us slept last night, but I was catching a few winks when Kris woke me up at 6:00am. I heard "Frank, wake up" and nearly fell out of my chair for fear there was something wrong. I blurted out, "What is the matter, what can I do?" and she calmly looked at me and said "Nothing. I'm bored, come talk to me." This brought a smile to my face and I gladly pulled up a chair and talked with her for a while. Nothing serious, just waking ourselves up, but she was so alert it was like talking to my old Kris again. We kept it up for about an hour before the nurses resumed their routine of poking and prodding, and at this point her pain had built back up and it was time for more fentynal. Since then she's been slowly deteriorating and has had to keep her pain meds going all throughout the day. But I enjoyed our talk and she made me smile as she has done so often for the past 10 years.

There's been a haze hanging over me today. So much of what I've experienced today feels surreal. After standing with Krissy while she received the bad news about her kidneys and future prognosis, I heard the words I never thought I'd hear until we were both old and gray. She looked into my eyes and told me "I'm ready to go, I've made my peace with God. I don't want to suffer anymore." Selfishly, I admitted that I'm not ready to let her go, but it hurts to see her in so much pain. I can't bear to see her go through any more of this hell, but I still can't believe she may be leaving me soon. To add to this air of disbelief, there have been discussions of where she would like to be buried, where to hold the funeral, what music to play. I had to stop and shake my head at one point, how can we really be talking about this now?

The only thing more heartwrenching than this was when I brought our daughters to see Kris. My Cori, at eleven years old, understands nearly everything that we have been going through, and her talk with Kris was brutal. My heart still hurts from the reality she is having to face at such a young age. Camryn is too young to understand, and may not even remember this when she is older, but it still isn't easy. I see Cori's tears and pray I have the strength to raise these two little girls on my own and instill in them the strong love and memory of their mother.

There has been a steady steam of family and friends to see her today. I know this is but a trickle compared to the flood of support she truly has out there. Between Facebook and email, I've received so many lovely messages of love and support, and I'm thankful for every bit of it. I haven't had time to respond to many of your wall posts or messages, but know that I appreciate every sentiment left for Krissy and I. Krissy's not able to check her posts or text messages but I've been passing them along to her.

I'm finally alone with Kris now, hoping for some rest for us both. There's no need to say goodbye to each other yet as we don't know how long she'll hang on for, but it feels like an unspoken certainty between us. She kissed me sweetly tonight, perhaps for the last time, but I will never know an end to the love I have for her. No matter the outcome of all this, or the when or the why, I love her. This is all I can say for certain and all I can hold onto as I watch her before me. She is ready for God and has put her whole being in his hands as she waits for his grace. All I can do now is follow her example and love her during every minute we have left.